The Golfer's Wife

Kids These Days

Remember this?

Perhaps not the world’s most pressing problem, but enough of a problem to be a story at a major news outlet.

Well guess what? Problem solved!  At least partially anyway.

Titleist, Nike, Srixon etc., are you paying attention?

Golfing Offspring #2 is taking an engineering class. For their latest project they had to find a real world problem, and propose a solution. And it couldn’t be some ‘if I had all the time and the money in the world’ kind of solution. They had to be able to implement it with materials available, and they had to find market research that showed people would actually pay for it.

After some discussion with her teammates GO#2 and her group decided to solve the problem of littering golf balls. And after 4 weeks of research and design they came up with a solution. Here it is:

You embed an RFID chip in every golf ball, and sell RFID readers that will allow golfers to find their balls. 

There is actually a bit more to it than that. For instance did you know that RFID frequencies are heavily regulated? So you have to use a low frequency chip that operates in one of the frequencies that no government is using. Also the chip has to be able to withstand the repeated compression-decompression that happens when the golf ball is hit. It has to be able to transmit a strong enough frequency that it can be read through the coating on the ball. And it has to be able to withstand the temperatures used when the ball is manufactured, and the range of temperatures it could encounter on a golf course. And it had to meet lots of other criteria, which I forget. Anyway, GO#2’s team found just such a chip, commercially available, for 16 cents each. They estimated it would cost around an extra 20 cents a ball to add the chip. Their market research indicated golfers would be willing to pay up to 50 cents more per ball, for a ball fitted with such a chip. A ball that wouldn’t get lost.

Next there is the reader. You need a reader with probably at least a 20 – 50 yard range. It has t be easy to use. And it has to operate within a wide temperature range and be somewhat weather proof. And once again there was other criteria I forget. But GO#2’s team found a commercially available reader that met all their criteria. The only problem with it is it cost $1200. Their market research indicated that golfers wouldn’t pay much over $100 dollars for such a device. But here’s thing. ‘Reader’ is somewhat of a misnomer. Readers do a lot more than read. They store information, show it in tables and lists, and allow you to write information back onto the chip. And lots of other stuff that a golfer, who is looking for a ball that has disappeared into the deep rough, doesn’t need. So if you kept the features of this reader that golfers need, and get rid of the ones they don’t, you should be able to make a much cheaper reader. Hopefully somewhere around the $100 price point.

There are some issues of course. Most golfers play many different balls over the years. Changing when they think some other ball will suit their game better. This means it would be good if all the manufactures could agree on a single frequency so you wouldn’t have to buy a new reader every time you decided to switch balls. And this doesn’t help with balls that are hit into the water. And just because you find your ball in the deep rough doesn’t mean you will be able to hit it out of said rough.

Still, it’s a great idea. Wouldn’t it be nice not to ever have to invoke Rule 27-1 Ball Not Found Within 5 Minutes again? Oh, and there’s that whole littering problem they were solving in the first place. 

So, Titleist, Nike, Srixon etc. GO#2 and team would be more than happy to provide you with all their research and their presentation. And they won’t even mind if you don’t put them on the patent, as long as you agree to provide them ( and their nearest and dearest ) with a reader, and a lifetime supply of the new golf balls. Pretty good deal, doncha think? E-mail me. Seriously.

Add This To The List

Back when we were discussing Tiger’s temper I listed the things that would get an Offspring removed from the course, and in big trouble at home. The 3 rules we have are, briefly:

Do not EVER throw a club.
Do not blame your bad shot on any one/thing else.
Do not take out your frustration with your game on anyone else.

I am now adding one more rule to the list. If I ever find out one of The Offspring have violated this rule I will turn into a version of Mean ‘Ole Mother that they have previously seen only in their nightmares. ( You did know that’s what ‘mom’ stands for didn’t you?  Gets screamed along with ‘That’s not fair’ and ‘Everyone else gets to go’ and is followed by stopping feet and slamming doors.  )

Here is the new rule:

You will finish what you start.

The Golfer played in the Club Championship this weekend. We were discussing it and he mentioned that the guy in 2nd place in the Championship flight left after Saturday’s round in 4th place and by the time he arrived for Sunday’s round he was in 2nd place. They teased him that if there was just one more round he would find himself the winner. I was actually paying attention this time and so of course asked him ‘how did he go from 4th to 2nd over night?’ ‘Because the two guys ahead of him withdrew.’  ‘Why?  Did they get sick?’  ‘Oh no. They just knew they weren’t going to win, so they withdrew.’

At which point I admit my jaw dropped.

‘They quit, just because they couldn’t win?’  ‘Oh yeah. Happens all the time. I don’t think I’ve ever played in any championship in any mens group where some guys didn’t pull out when it became obvious they weren’t going to win their flight.’ ‘Please tell me you haven’t ever done that.’  ‘No no. Of course not. But some guys aren’t in it for the game, they only care about winning’.

So I have been naïve I guess. I mean as I have pointed out before, the world is full of jerks, and many of them play golf. It should go without saying that, just as in other sports, there are some people for whom the game means nothing and winning means everything. But this is Golf. With Tradition, and Etiquette, and The Honor Code, where players call the rules on themselves. Quitting because you can’t win doesn’t fit in there anywhere. I will just never understand how people can take up the game and then ignore the most important parts of it. The parts that set it apart from every other sport.

And so, to make sure The Offspring are never of the mistaken belief that winning is the only thing, we have a new rule.

If you start it, you WILL finish it. Even if you are so far in last place that there are triple digits between your score and the score of the person in 2nd to last, you WILL finish.

Because, as you have grumbled sooooo many times before, MOM has eyes in the back of her head, ESP, and the ability to instantly appear whenever unacceptable behavior is taking place. If you don’t finish I will know. And if you thought what happened after the infamous I-Have-Had-It-car-pool incident was bad, you don’t want to even think about what will happen if you withdraw from a tournament. Unless you have a broken bone, or a fever and are throwing up. Even us MOM’s can give a kid a break sometimes.  

Manners

If you have been reading the golf press/blogs this past week ( which of course you have. I mean you’re reading this, right? ) you’ve probably noticed the bit of a fire storm over Tiger Woods behavior at The Open. First Shane B. over at Dogs Chase Cars commented. Then Rick Reilly wrote an article. Stephanie Wei gave her opinion, and last ( but certainly not least ) The Golf Girl weighed in.

As the wife of A Golfer, and a parent raising 3 golfers, I have, as you might expect, an opinion on the subject.

First off let me state that The Golf Girl is entirely correct in that using the reasoning that Tiger is a role model is a complete non-starter. It’s silly enough that I don’t even want to go there. But I will. Enough to say that any parent who uses any athlete/business person/scientist/artist etc. as a role model for their child isn’t doing their job. The Offspring have been raised to realize that people, even Tiger Woods, are people. Not all good, not all bad. They have their good qualities and their bad qualities. And good days and bad days. And sensible people admire the good qualities, recognize the bad qualities, and then chart their own course through life. The goal being not to be ‘just like’ someone else. But to recognize what you admire about certain people, what you don’t like about others, how that applies to you, and somehow pull it all together, along with what is unique to you, into a total human being. Damn tough job at the best of times. Lots of people never manage it. But trying to be a copy of some Role Model is pretty much a guarantee of failure.  I realize this in itself is a whole post. A whole blog. Heck, some people have made whole careers out of it. And there are a lot of you who completely disagree. Okay. As I said. My opinion. My blog. That’s the way things role here at The Household.

That said, do I give Tiger a complete pass?  No.

There are 3 things that an Offspring can do that will get them immediately removed from the golf course.

The first is throwing a golf club. I don’t mean grounding the head in frustration. Even The Golfer does that. I mean physically letting go of the club. Even if it is just to throw it down at your feet. We started them out young. 2 and 3 years old. When temper tantrums are a way of life. But it was made perfectly clear, even at that age, you NEVER EVER EVER throw a club*. EVER. Absolutely, positively, UNACCEPTABLE. Throwing a club will not only get you removed from the course, there will be other punishment when you get home.

The second thing is blaming your bad shot on someone else. It is you and the ball. If you don’t hit the ball the way you want, that is your problem. It is a golf course. Semi private at the best of times, completely public most of the time. There will always be people and wildlife and noises and weather. If you can’t play with the distractions then get off the course. As soon as you blame someone else’s behavior for your bad shot, you will be removed from the course.

The third thing is taking your poor play out on other people. You want to mutter and curse at yourself? Fine. We all do it. We don’t even care if you call yourself ‘Stupid f**ing idiot’ at the top of your lungs. Get so frustrated you cry even. That’s okay. But you better be sweetness and light to everyone else. Take it out on your siblings, your parents, the beer wench, the people in the halfway house, the pro shop, and you will be removed from the course and THERE WILL BE REPROCUSSIONS. No one but you is responsible for the state of your game, and you damn well better not take it out on anyone else.

Tiger has violated all 3 of those rules on multiple occasions. And super star or not, if I had been physically present at any of them I would have been hard pressed not to cross over the rope, take him by the ear, march him over behind some trees, and give him a good dressing down. Even being the best at what you do is no excuse for being a jerk.

Golf is a gentleman’s game. And I absolutely appreciate the rules, and the etiquette and especially the honor code. And we fervently aspire to instill that over all attitude in The Offspring and the way they live their lives, both on and off the golf course. But I fully concur that the constant bland behavior can get on your nerves. Not to mention keeping it all inside like that has to cause ulcers. I like seeing players show their feelings, for both good and bad shots. I don’t mind a grounded club, a shouted curse, a high five, or a fist pump at all. I’m quite happy that the younger players seem to feel more freedom to express their emotions. I think that’s a Good Thing. But there are lines, and Tiger has crossed them more than once.

He is both an adult and a professional. He needs to start acting like it.

* The only exception to this rule is Rattle Snakes. We live in the Wild West after all. Rattle Snakes on golf courses are a given. If you throw a club at a Rattle Snake you will be forgiven.

AHEM

Golfing Offspring #2?

 Helloooo.

Please stop texting and look at me.    STOP TEXTING.

Now listen. I agree that they are very stylish. With wonderful blue and shiny silver stripes. However. They are golf shoes. With spikes. Therefore, from now on when I pick you up from practice you will change your shoes in the car. You will not wear them into the dance shop to pick up the The-black-skirt-I-have-to-have-because-I’m-in-Warriors. And you will not wear them into Smash Burger while we pick up dinner. And ABOVE ALL, you will NOT leave them on your feet and then put said feet up on the LEATHER seats of my still PRACTICALLY BRAND NEW CAR.

ARE. WE. CLEAR?

Good.

You may resume texting now.

Family Pictures - July 4th

Well with this family what were you expecting, hotdogs and a parade?

Guinness Everywhere but not a Green in Site.

Irish Dancers dance in two different pairs of shoes, hard shoes and soft shoes( also known as ghillies ). Whether they are dancing in a performance or a competition, they will wear both pairs of shoes. So every Irish dancer has a shoe bag. These are big enough to hold both pairs of shoes, sock glue( don't ask ), lip gloss and maybe an extra pair of socks, and the dancer carries it everywhere. The bags are almost always black, so they don't show the dirt of constantly putting in and pulling out the shoes.

So we were dancing at a very crowded bar( and by 'we' I mean the dance team. I just standing around trying to stay out of the way), and Offspring #2 needed her soft shoes. And the shoe bag was on the floor by me. Things were too crowded for her to get back to me to get the bag so, 'Mom, throw me my soft shoes'. I reach into the bag to grab a pair of ghillies, and you know what I pulled out? 

A golf ball.

The First Impression Can Be A Lasting One

Here at the Golfing Household we are raising future golfers. I don't know if they will ever be Golfers. That requires a certain attitude as well as skill. The Golfer has it. As previously noted, I don't. We'll have to see who they all take after. As of now Golfing Offspring #1 (GO1) is definitely taking after me. She is much better at the actual game than I am ( in some future post I will discuss the feelings of total inadequacy you have to deal with the first time an offspring beats you in a round ), but she has never managed to fully develop the rest of The Golfer traits. I don't think she sees this as a bad thing. And the fact that she probably never will develop these traits was obvious the first time we put a club in her hands.

She was not quite 3 and we took her to play Putt-Putt. Introduce her to the game in a relaxed and fun atmosphere. Get her used to the idea of using a stick to hit a ball ( on the ground. Kids seem to be born with an innate urge to hit a ball with anything they can through the air ). Just kind of ease into the whole thing. We get to the first hole, which is the classic windmill. The Golfer demonstrates by hitting his ball through the windmill, first try. GO1 steps up with her childs size putter, and swings at the ball. It takes a few tries, but she gets it through the windmill. I hit my ball through the windmill. We walk around to the other side of the windmill. GO1 has a thoughtful look on her face. The Golfer proceeds to hit his ball into the hole. Meanwhile GO1 starts hitting her ball around the surface, and bouncing it off the sides. It is explained to her that she can't hit until her turn. She steps back and waits. When it is her turn we tell her to aim for the hole. She more or less turns towards the hole, hits the ball nice and hard, and it bounces off the side. She is very happy with this result. It was a nice big bounce. The Golfer and I both say 'No no no GO1. You need to get the ball in the hole. That is how you win the game. You get the ball in the hole'. GO1 gave us a long look. Then she picked up her ball and walked over and dropped it in the hole. And gave us another look. This one clearly said 'If you want the ball in the hole why the heck don't you just drop the ball in the stupid hole. This is a dumb game.' Then she turned around and walked away.

We did manage to finish the game of Putt-Putt. But after the first shot on each hole we had to let GO1 pick up her ball and drop it in the hole. She just didn't pick up on the skill, on the challenge, on the beauty behind the major concept of the game. She eventually came around though. And was even Captain of her high school golf team. But every time she starts a round I think that little 3 year old voice is still in her head saying 'This is a dumb game'. And this will prevent her from ever becoming A Golfer. However, as I said, I don't think she sees this as a bad thing.