The Golfer's Wife

The Only Page That Matters

This week is the annual Member/Guest at the cc. If you are unfamiliar with the details surrounding a cc Member/Guest here is the post I wrote about ours.

As per usual a nice printed program, on heavy card stock, was handed out to all participants. It contains a welcome, the schedule, the format of play, the rules, the dress code, the menu, etc. etc. etc. It is chock full of helpful information. Which everyone who gets it totally ignores in their haste to get to the one page with the only information that truly MATTERS.

This page:

The Golfer’s Brother arrived yesterday. Time has been spent on the driving range and practice green. The ritual marking of a new box of balls has taken place. The requisite cigars and liquor have been purchased. They are ready. Tomorrow morning I will wish them luck, and probably won’t see them again until The Shoot Out. And not even then if I decide to have cocktails at the pool instead.

Golf in a Cave

Every year The Golfer and his brother exchange Member/Guests. And since what’s good for the gander is good for the goose, in the fall of every year The Women and I take a trip. Over the years we have been many places coast to coast. The criteria for said trips is entertainment, shopping and alcohol readily available and husbands and families not allowed to contact except in case of emergency. And every year I come back from the trip to find that some ‘household improvement’ has been made. That was, in fact, how the Tivo first made it’s appearance. When I left we didn’t have one. When I got home we did. This past fall the improvement was a flat screen TV mounted on an arm out on our patio. Because you don’t want to miss out on the Saturday round of the weekly tournament just because you have yard work to do. Uh hunh. Just how much yard work do you think has been getting down now that the TV is out there? Not much. Unless you count drinking beer and smoking a cigar as yard work.

Anyway. There is a show on the DIY network called Man Caves. Have you seen it? Well even if you haven’t I’m sure you can guess what it’s about. A couple of guys and their work-truck-packed-with-the-coolest-power-tools-ever shows up at some guys house and converts his basement/garage/sunroom etc. into the perfect male retreat. For obvious reasons this show is on The Golfers Tivo list.

In last weeks show ‘the guys’ converted a garage into a man cave for an avid golfer. Here is a picture of the finished product.

That back wall?  That’s a mural of the 17th hole at Pebble Beach. And what you can’t see is the putting green back behind the chair, in front of that mural. And the TV in the middle of that mural?  It’s actually a golf simulator. So the recipient of this cave can practice his swing.

The Golfer was pretty quite during this episode. You could almost hear the wheels turning in his brain. If he starts planning now he could have it all ready to install this fall. And the guys on the show did it all in one weekend, so how hard could it be really?

I said ‘This is The Wild West. It gets cold and it snows in the winter, and it gets hotter than Hades in the summer. If you want to get in your car and burn the back of your legs on the seat, or get up early so you can scrape the windows and warm up the car, that is your choice. BUT. When I get home from The Trip this fall I will be putting my car in my side of the garage. If that means I park on a putting green or obstruct your view of the 17th hole so be it.’

I don’t for one minute think that put an end to his plans. I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that, this fall, after sipping cocktails in the sunshine somewhere, I will return to a putting green in the garage. The only question is: How long before the dogs and cat decide the grass on the putting green is a pretty good substitute for the snow covered back yard, and use it accordingly.

Panic In The Clubhouse

The Golfer and I are geeks. As such we are both heavy users of various instant messaging. AOL. MSM. Yahoo. In addition to various friends, family, and co-workers, we usually have several conversations between each other during the day. We are sort of used to being able to ‘talk’ to the other person when we need to, instead of thinking ‘Oh, I better make a note to talk to The Golfer about that this evening’. 

Where I work all IM traffic goes through a secure connection. Meaning they keep a copy of every message I type, for some, very important I’m sure, legal reason. If the secure connection goes down, I have no IM. It rarely goes down, and when it does it’s usually back up in an hour or two. And I still get e-mail and have an internet connection. So no big deal. You would think.

Last week the secure connection went down for a few hours. After it had been down an hour or so I got an e-mail from The Golfer. This was the subject line:  You’re not online….I’m in a panic!

Well. As I open it I am thinking…..Berry quit working? Lost his wallet? Uh, no. Here is the text of the e-mail:

they can’t take away my ball !!

http://www.ontgolf.ca/g4g/2008/11/12/titleist-says-injunction-wont-impact-prov1-sales/

If you click on the link you will find a story about how Callaway has received an injunction against Titleist and the ProV1 ball over some violated patents. What this means is Titleist can’t sell it’s ProV1 ball. Or maybe they can. Titleist says in September they changed their production to work around the patents.

As discussed before, for 90% of the golfers out there what ball they play makes absolutely no difference to their game. But for those where it does matter, it matters A LOT. Over the years they have tried hundreds and once they settle on one you can take it from them when you pry it from their cold dead hands. And lots of Golfers have settled on the ProV1. The ‘original’ ProV1. Whatever Titleist did to get around the patents will effect the ball. Which for most of the people on the planet means nothing. But for those who searched until they found the ProV1 and settled on it as ‘the ball’, it means they have to start trying other balls again. They are not happy.

So these days a Golfer may maintain their equilibrium through plummeting stock markets and 401k’s. They may not break a sweat during layoffs and foreclosures. They may laugh at bailouts and tight credit. But take away the ProV1 and panic reigns.

As for me, I’m thinking picking up 6 dozen or so of the ‘old’ ProV1 as a Christmas present would go a long way towards further cementing my position as Worlds Greatest Golfers Wife.

I haven't noticed any pods, but......

This weekend the weather here in the Wild West has been absolutely gorgeous. Clear blue skies and temperatures in the high 70’s. And some of the trees have turned and some have not. The tall grasses have turned brown on the top, but are still green on the bottom. Absolutely spectacular fall color and weather. Perfect for playing golf. And yet here’s the thing, The Golfer didn’t play a round this weekend.

No, I’m not kidding. He really didn’t. He  didn’t even go hit balls. He went the whole weekend without picking up a club. I know, weird hunh? He mumbled something about a sore back and needing to get some things done for work. But I don’t buy it. This is the same Golfer who will take his family out in a monsoon, and thinks nothing of playing the frozen tundra. He has never let a little thing like back problems or work keep him from the greens before.

So I have been watching him. Because I figure the only explanation is aliens have taken over his body. You know, like in Invasion of The Body Snatchers? Where these pods start showing up and people think they are just weird plants? And then they go to sleep and the pods take them over and produce a body that looks just like them, but every one they know thinks they just aren’t quite right? This is what I think must have happened. It looks like The Golfer, and it sounds like The Golfer, but it can’t possibly be The Golfer, because The Golfer would’ve played a round both days this weekend. And probably 2 on Saturday.

There haven’t been any flashing lights or strange noises here at The Household lately, which means no aliens came in a ship and took him away and left a non-Golfer replica. So I am sticking with my pod theory, although I haven’t seen any around. The Golfer did spend an hour or so cleaning up the garden, and there are some pretty big orange poddy looking things out there. But I’m pretty sure they’re just pumpkins. Fairly sure. Maybe I should send one of the Offspring out to check….

Short Putts

Met a West Highland terrier named Niblick. Her owner has owned other terriers, including a previous West Highland. He says Niblick is by far the mouthiest, most opinionated dog he has ever owned. So here’s the thing people. Terriers have enough attitude as it is. Apparently naming them after old time golf clubs just compounds the problem. So just don’t do it.

PS. Terrier though she may be, Niblick the cat would eat Niblick the dog for lunch. He has lots of experience with mouthy terriers.

                                             ~~~~~

Golfing Offspring #2 was playing a game of Scatagories. The category was ‘Famous Athlete’.  The letter was E.  No one else came up with any thing, so GO#2 was the only one to get a point for that category. Her answer?  Ernie Els of course.

                                             ~~~~~

Golfing Offspring #3 recently had a birthday. What did he ask for?  A 5 wood. How many 12 year old boys you know would ask for a 5 wood?  Do we raise them right or what? ( Okay he also asked for a video game chair. But he spent 10 minutes in the back yard swinging the new club BEFORE he plunked himself down in the new chair to deal with Mario.  The kid has his priorities straight. )

                                             ~~~~~

I also had a birthday recently. I also got a new 5 wood. The family that plays together……

                                             ~~~~~

Starting this school year both Offspring who still live at home take a bus to school. ( short interlude while TGW dances the NO MORE CARPOOL !!!! jig….okay, we now return to the post ) So it is time to trade the Mom-Mobile in on something smaller and..well..less mom like. The criteria for its replacement are:

The smallest AWD vehicle( it snows out here in the Wild West, ya 
 know?) that:
1.    can hold 4 adults
2.    can hold 4 golf bags as well as the afore mentioned 4 adults.
3.    has enough power to get the afore mentioned adults and golf bags up over Berthoud Pass so they can play Pole Creek. 

So we spent a recent Saturday afternoon doing test drives. We brought 2 bags of clubs with us. The conversations went something like this:

Salesguy: Hi there, I see you’re looking at vehicle XYZ. Want to take it for
                a drive?
Us:  Well, actually, first we have to make sure it’s big enough.
Salesguy:   Big enough for what?
Us:    Big enough to hold 4 bags of golf clubs.
Salesguy:   Oh, I’m sure it is. Salesguy Bob over there has one and he
                  has his clubs in it all the time.
Us: Okay, but we’d like to check, just to make sure, if you don’t mind.
      Could you open the back for us?
Salesguy:  Uh, sure. You gonna measure?
Us:  ( taking golf bags out of the Mom-Mobile ) No, we’re going to try it
       out.
Salesguy: Wow. You guys are really serious about this, aren’t you?
Us:  Yeah

Totally serious.

We Don't Live In Scotland

It has been raining here in the Wild West for 3 days. It was over 90 degrees on Wednesday. And then it was 60 degrees and raining. Hard. For 3 solid days. This doesn’t happen often. There are over 300 days of sunshine here every year. But it has been a very dry summer, so no one is complaining. In fact most of us see it as a chance to kind of hibernate and catch up on inside things. See, with all that sunshine we are very fair weather people here in the Wild West. Fair weather joggers. Fair weather gardeners, Fair weather bikers. Fair weather skiers. Fair weather snow shoe-ers. You get the picture. Since the weather is mostly fair, we do a lot outside, and if the weather isn’t fair we don’t go outside because we know if we just wait a day, or two at the most, the weather will be fair again. So why go out in the bad weather if you don’t have to. I know in other climes, like say Scotland for instance, if you stay inside during bad weather, you would never go outside. I have played golf in Scotland. I have played golf in the rain in Scotland. And there were a lot of other people on the course playing in the rain in Scotland. Because if you don’t play golf in the rain you don’t play much golf in Scotland. But, and here is the important thing, we don’t live in Scotland. We live here in the, mostly sunny, Wild West. And we are, above all, fair weather golfers.

At least most of us.

The Golfer had a tournament at the cc today. It was still raining hard this morning. They canceled the tournament. But The Golfer decided to play anyway. And 8 other idio…uh, other Golfers decided to play as well. They made it as far as the 9th hole, where a small stream had appeared in the fairway overnight, and they finally decided maybe they should just go inside and have breakfast. This in itself would be bad enough. But there is more. We had a 3pm tee-time. Made early in the week, before it started raining. I was eating lunch with a friend. It was raining. I figured we would not be playing. But just in case, I sent a text to The Golfer at home ‘are we playing?’. And here is his reply, ‘the kids say they want to play’. Do you see what has happened here? Somehow, when I wasn’t paying attention, The Golfer has managed to not only turn The Offspring into Golfers, but into the same kind of crazy playing in the rain kind of Golfer he is.

So we played. In the rain. Started on the back 9. Hit over the swans swimming in the new pond that has formed on the 11th fairway. Teed off from the new marsh that used to be the 12th tee box. And finally The Offspring decided they had had enough when they lost their balls in the water on the 13th hole. The water in the fairway.

And lest you think this craziness exists only in our family, there were still two groups playing as we rowed our way back to the clubhouse. 

Tomorrow’s forecast is for 70 degrees and sunshine. 70 degrees and sunshine. Huh. What kind of golfing weather is that?

Weekend Update

Every golf cart was charged and ready, the bars were fully stocked, and betting sheets covered one wall of the restaurant. 15 flights, 6 teams in each flight, top 3 teams in each flight are in the Shoot Out. The Golfer and The Golfer’s Brother won their flight. 45 teams in the Shoot Out, divided into 3 groups. Each group sent out to a hole. Carts loaded with drinks and club members follow the various groups. And then it starts. And on the second hole played by their group The Golfer and The Golfer’s Brother are out.

Ah well. There’s always next year.

Actually, they won their flight, won their yearly match against the ‘Smith’ brothers ( which rivalry goes back years ), and had a great time. Overall it was judged another successful Member/Guest.

Did you watch any of the Canadian Open?  Not real exciting, but I needed a Feherty Fix, so I watched the last couple of hours. Chez Reavie won. Yeah I know. So I looked it up. His name is William Chesney Reavie. Apparently he has always been called by his middle name. Which of course lead to the shortened version ‘Chez’. Okay I guess. But what’s wrong with ‘Bill’?

This weekend:  PGA – Bridgestone Invitational
                       LPGA -  Women’s British Open

Of Horse Races And Shoot Outs

No we are not in the Wild West. Well, actually, we are. But even here in the Wild West we have country clubs, and that is where the horse race/shoot out will be taking place. Here is something I learned after joining the cc. THE most important yearly event in cc life is NOT the Christmas party. It’s not a big black tie dinner dance. It’s not the annual fashion show put on for charity. It’s not even, as The Offspring think it should be, the opening of the pool for the season. It is The Member/Guest.

The Member/Guest is The Event Of The Year. People talk about it for months before, and regale each other all year with stories of past Member/Guests. And by ‘people’ I mean men golfers. Yes Ladies, the event around which all cc life revolves is men only. And before you get on your high horse ( because we’re talking about a horse race here, get it? Um….okay, movin’ on ) the reason why has nothing to do with gender discrimination and everything to do with basic cc economics. Which is fodder for another post. For now, it’s a men only thing. Be an adult and deal with it.

The Member/Guest is a golf tournament. It consists of teams of two, a member and ( you guessed it ) a guest invited by the member. And it is not just any guest who gets invited. There are teams of best-friends-since-college. Heck, there are teams of best-friends-since-elementary-school. Father/son teams. Uncle/nephew teams. And, as is the case with The Golfer, brother teams. And because the guest is someone very important in the life of the member, the same guests are invited back every year, which means the same teams return year after year, which means after playing in it a few years everybody knows everybody, which makes it a premier male bonding experience. In fact, in the case of The Golfer, The Golfers Brother also belongs to a cc. His Member/Guest is always 2 weeks before our Member/Guest. So every year The Golfer flies out and plays in TGB Member/Guest, and two weeks later TGB flies out and plays in ours. It is A BIG DEAL. There are practice rounds, and dinners, and breakfast every morning. And of course cigar smoking, drinking, betting, and crude jokes at the expense of someone else. There is a long waiting list of people for our Member/Guest. If a member that has played in previous years misses a year, they drop to the bottom of said list and have to work their way back up.

The tournament itself is match play. And after all the matches are done on the last day, the teams with the most points are in The Horse Race. Or The Shoot Out. Some cc’s call it one, some call it t’other. The criteria for making it into the Shoot Out ( since we are in the Wild West here ) varies from club to club. The shoot out itself is a basic elimination round. All the teams start out on a hole. The same hole. So if there are 11 teams there are 22 guys teeing off from the same tee. All the teams play the hole, and the team with the highest stroke total is out. Everyone else moves on to the next hole. And so on. Until there is only one team left. And that team wins the Shoot Out. They also win the tournament. And of course the trophy and bragging rights, until next year. Lots of people come to watch the Shoot Out. It can take hours for one team to finally win. People follow the teams around the golf course, walking and in carts. This is actually more fun that it sounds, since there is generally a lot of alcohol involved.

And money. If you have a gambling problem a cc is no place to be during The Member/Guest. A large amount of betting takes place. Not necessarily for large amounts of money. Each bet may involve only a few dollars. But there are lots of them. The majority of which involve only the players themselves. But not The Shoot Out. Club members bet on which team they think will win the shoot out. And this is not just a matter of betting on the husband or good friend. Remember, these teams have been playing together for years. They have established track records. And people have more than a passing familiarity with the team members lives.

‘How about picking the Smith brothers to win? They were 3rd last year.’
‘No, Bill Smith went through a nasty divorce this year and the ex got the club membership. Hasn’t been playing much golf.’

‘I wouldn’t bet on Bob/Joe. They were out of the money last year.’
‘Yeah, but have you seen Bob’s new trophy wife? He’s added 10 yards to his drives. Viagra must work like steroids.’

‘Tom/Harry looked pretty good last year, what do you think?’
‘Oh definitely pick them to at least Show. Harry retired in Jan, and he’s been spending all his free time on the course. I heard his game has really improved.’

And so information is exchanged, and knowledge is gleaned, and bets are made. And this is why many cc’s refer to it as a Horse Race. So the crowd following the players around with drinks in hand aren’t just there for the golf. There is money at stake.  And bragging rights. There is a certain prestige in having bet on the winners. People will let ‘Well, I bet on Tom/Harry to win of course’ slip into casual conversation during the year. 

 

This week is our Member/Guest. The Golfers Brother arrived on Wednesday and I haven’t seen much of them since. Nor do I expect to until Saturday evening sometime. They really only come home to get more cigars, fill up the flasks and take a shower. If they make it to the shoot out I may actually go over and follow them around. Or maybe I’ll just join The Offspring at the kicka** pool. They serve cocktails there too.

Things are different now

The Golfer found this somewhere. He got a big kick out of it.

Hmmmmm( she said in her Marge Simpson voice ). In the interest of being 'the kind of woman who makes for domestic peace' I will just say 'My how times have changed. And definitely for the better.'

The Frozen Tundra

We had our last snowfall here on Wednesday. That snow fell on ground that was still covered with white stuff left over from the previous storm. Since Wednesday it managed to just barely sneak into the 40's for 3 consecutive days. For a minute or two. And the nighttime lows have been in the teens. The majority of the snow has melted from southern facing exposures, but the ground is still pretty much frozen solid. For non-southern exposures there is still several inches of snow on the ground. At this point some of you are asking 'Why on earth is she giving us the local weather report?'. But some of you are saying 'He Didn't!'.

Yes folks. Yes he did. The Golfer played a round today.

He and his regular 4-some had to search high and low, but eventually they found a course that was willing to let them on. Probably figuring that with the ground being frozen they really couldn't do much damage, and if they were obsessed enough to want to play the course may as well make some money off them.

According to The Golfer the balls tended to do a lot of bouncing down the fairway ( frozen tundra ) after they landed, the greens were a little fast ( covered with ice ) and they lost a few balls in the rough ( snow banks ). But overall it was a good round.

And just to be clear, this is hardly the first round of golf he has played on frozen tundra, and I'm sure it won't be the last. For the sake of the Golfing Offspring and the marriage I have chosen, over the years, to look upon this particular trait as an endearing personality quirk, and not as a sign of a dangerously obsessive personality with a tendency to ignore the ( weather based ) realities of the situation.