I have explained before about Golfing Offspring #2 and the straight A’s. About how, since she started getting actual letter grades in the 4th grade, she has felt the need for them all to be A’s, in spite of being a child of mine and The Golfer. She is absolutely driven when it comes to doing what it takes to ensure that not only does she have 100%, she has all the extra credit too. 110%. This, in spite of the fact that she takes all AP classes. Because what good is the A if it’s not weighted the highest? Both The Golfer and I have said to her on numerous occasions that we wish she would get a B, just so she would see that the world doesn’t end. To which she replies ‘You guys are just mean.’ Of course we encourage all The Offspring to maintain good grades. But by good we do not mean you need to be #1 in your class. Where this penchant for the grade point average in the stratosphere came from is a complete mystery to both her parents and her siblings. It certainly did not come from us standing behind her and pushing. If anything we have tried to discourage it in some cases where we felt perhaps she was taking it to extremes.
My point here is that there are kids who are driven. Whenever a prodigy comes along in any thing, there are always those who say no child has the drive and concentration to become that good at anything. They are only that good because their parents pushed them into it and continue to push them. And of course the list of pushy stage parents is legion. But people who think there are no self-driven children are wrong.
With 3 kids in various sports, playing various musical instruments, and in various other activities, I have seen a lot of kids doing a lot of things. Most of them do it for fun, and want to improve, but don’t feel the need to be The Best at whatever it is. They may want to be very good, or they may decide it is the ‘most important thing’ and be willing to spend lots of time and effort on it. But if they aren’t The Best, their world doesn’t fall apart. And most parents follow their kid’s lead. If the kid wants to do it, the parents will make it possible, and help them along the way. But they are not standing behind them pushing.
And of course I have also seen, far too many, cases of Not-Earl-Woods. When the parent has picked the activity and decided that their child will be The Best. And not just in sports. In music. In academics. I’ve seen them all. And in all cases there is a very unhappy child, trying their best at something, to please a parent. Not because they want to do it. But because it seems to be the most important thing to mom or dad. And it is destined to fall apart at some point, in the worst way for those involved.
And then there is the rare child who is driven. Who has found something they want to do, and they want to be The Best, and their parents can either help them or get out of the way. I happen to have one who drives for straight A’s. But I have seen them in sports, and music too. They are few and far between, but anyone who knows them knows that rather than pushing them, their parents are being dragged along for the ride, and are doing their best to make sure whatever it is doesn’t take over, and trying to maintain some balance in their kids life. And those of us watching remember those kids names. Because we know we will be hearing it again at some point, and can say ‘I knew them when..’.
And now you are thinking ‘What the heck brought all this up again?’
It started with this. A very good article on the kids and parents at the U.S. Kids Golf World Championships. Read it. It applies to anything your child does, not just golf. In particular I would point out this:
"People are bringing their child out because they know how well Tiger played at an early age. That's all good," said Rudy Duran, who coached Woods between ages 4 and 10 and was at the championship as a consultant. "Bad thing, I think they misinterpreted what the Woods family provided for Tiger. The family provided an ideal support network. It wasn't their agenda. It was what Tiger chose to do in his free time—after homework and chores—and they supported that. It was not over the top. All the parents want to do good for the child, but maybe some are a little too gung ho."
I like the way he phrases it. Whether your child is just doing it for fun, or is one of those rare driven kids, your job as a parent is to provide the support network.
This article prompted the following letter to the editor. Which points out the fact that being that support network can be incredibly time consuming and expensive. This applies to anything, not just golf. But if your child is motivated and wants to devote the time and effort, it’s very hard as a parent to say no. And so you find yourself intensely involved. And perhaps to someone who doesn’t have a child with such a passion for anything, it can seem like there is very little difference between you and Not-Earl-Woods. GO#2 has a few friends who have GPA’s close to hers. They all tend to end up in the same classes. There are some who are there because of pushy parents. If their GPA’s drop a quarter point, or their parents think they aren’t devoting enough time to their studies, they are grounded until things are more to their parents liking. I like to think that the teachers get to know the kids well enough, and have dealt with enough of these over achievers, to be able to differentiate between the ones that are driven, and the ones that are pushed. But sometimes I wonder what they think of us. If they think we are standing at the door everyday when she comes home. Waiting to see how she did and checking her grades online every night.
Which brings us to this. I am on record as putting Michelle’s parents firmly in the pushy category. In the obnoxiously pushy category even. I think she was pushed into golf, and I don’t feel her parents have managed her career all that well. And of course the talk has been how she has never really lived up to her potential, but when her parents were denied their usual 24x7 all consuming access to her during the Solheim Cup, and she actually got a chance to spend time with other tour members, and act on her own, she shined. Very brightly. So how good could she be if her parents would just back off?
I have not changed my opinion of Michelle’s parents. However the important thing is not my opinion. I am just a no-name blogger. The important thing is not even reputable golf commentators opinion. The important thing is Michelle’s opinion. She is old enough now that if she wanted to tell her parents to go jump in a lake she could. And she hasn’t. Even after her Solheim Cup experience should have proven to her that she is perfectly capable of winning without their constant hovering. Michelle obviously feels that her parents provided, and continue to provide, that all important support network. And she publicly supported her parents and suggested that maybe the rest of us don’t know what we are talking about.
Point taken. Her relationship with her parents is really no ones business but theirs. And sometimes there can be a very fine line between being the pushy parent and being the supportive parent, and often times people on the outside of the situation can mistake one for the other. So. Good for Michelle for standing up for her parents. And for politely telling the rest of us to get lost. I am finding I like her more and more, in spite of myself. And so in future, when discussing Michelle ( and I hope she continues to do well so there is lots of discussion ) I will leave her parents out of it.
And now if you’ll excuse me. I need to go explain, ONCE AGAIN, to GO#3 that, just because we don’t expect him to be as driven as his sister, does NOT mean we don’t expect the math homework to be turned in and it’s only the second week of school so how can you be so far behind in turning in the homework ALREADY? Sometimes pushy is good.