I think it is about time we checked in with Jack and Jane Calthorpe don’t you? So here is another episode of The Sorrows of a Golfers Wife, the continuing stoooorrry of Jane and her husband Jack, who has gone to the greens
( For previous episodes see here )
When last we left The Calthorpes Jane was about to throw a dinner party and was worried whether Sandy will be able to hold up his end of things.
In the days before the dinner Jane spends hours going over every little thing with Sandy. Telling him exactly what he is supposed to do. She even writes it all down for him, so he can check the notes if he forgets something. And instead of being resentful and put out at having his duties explained to him like this, Sandy listens with attention and actually seems grateful for the help and hints on how to do things. Jane actually starts to like him, and think that he just might work out after all.
On the day of the dinner, as always happens when the wife plans something like this and all the husband really needs to do is stay out of the way, Jack throws a monkey wrench into the works. Everyone is busy getting ready, and Sandy is doing what he needs to do. Jack has totally forgotten about the dinner party and invited a neighbor over to play a round of golf. He has already conscripted Barker and needs Sandy to make a foursome. He cajoles Jane into letting him have Sandy ‘for just an hour’. And of course it was more than an hour. They didn’t show up back at the house until after 5. And naturally Jane was fuming. And to top it all of they disappear into Jacks study for whiskey and sodas. Sandy reappears from the study with a bowl full of dirty balls which Jack has told him to ‘whiten up’ for tomorrows play. Jane tells him he won’t be doing that now of course, to put the bowl down and get to work. Sandy puts the bowl on a serving tray. Jane tells him to be sure and put it away somewhere before the guests come. Sandy assures her he will, and she leaves him to go get dressed. Jack falls asleep in the study. Which means he doesn’t set the wine out to breathe or chill the champagne. Jane wakes him and tells him to hurry up and get dressed, the guests are already arriving.
And here we find that, even in 1896, the English have already been talking about the weather for as long as anyone can remember.
Everyone arrives but dinner is 35 minutes late, due to Jack being late because of getting dressed, and the servants being behind since Sandy was gone. But eventually dinner is served. It goes off without a hitch. Sandy makes a few small mistakes but the footman covers for him. Jack continually tries to bring the talk around to golf. Jane manages to keep it on other subjects, mostly hunting, since that’s what all the other dinner guests had spent their day doing, until dinner is over. But then Jack gets into ‘full swing’( Jane’s words, not mine ).
Sandy was listening to Jack talk about golf with such rapt attention than Jane has to signal him to remind him to serve dessert. Which is to be a sliced pineapple. And here is where things go wrong.
Well the guests laughed quite heartily, mostly at Sandy. Who felt like he needed to explain himself and gave a little speech, complete with his Scottish accent, about how all the talk of golf had ‘laid hold’ of him and it seemed perfectly natural to hand out the golf balls. And that golf was the ‘grandest game that was ever invented’. Which brought more laughter from the guests.
Jane makes some rather biting comments to the effect that golf has made both the master and his servant totally crazy, and advised her guests to stay far away from it or their households will never know another peaceful moment. She makes it very clear she blames the whole thing on Jack and is NOT happy with him. Jack resents the remarks, but she pulls out her trump card as hostess and calls the women from the table to retire to the parlor and leave the men to their smokes and drinks, thus ending the conversation.
Jane is feeling totally humiliated and just knows the story will be the talk of the country side by tomorrow morning. She is sure that Jack now sees how totally out of his element Sandy is as a butler and how wrong it was to hire him and that tomorrow he will send him packing.
Of course Jack doesn’t quite see things the same way. This leads to ‘one of the most serious quarrels – if not THE most serious quarrel’ of their nine years of wedded life.
Jack says Sandy made a full of himself but so what? And buries his head in the newspaper
Jane says How nice that he thought that was the end of the matter
Jack says That he was the reasonable person, Jane was the firebrand.
Jane says He likes firebrands, he would be bored with a wife that worshiped him. Plus it would make him conceited and ruin his character.
Jack says No fear of that with you around, but it would be nice to have a little ‘wifely adoration’ every now and then.
Jane says You wouldn’t have married me if she was like that.
Jack says ( and I quote ) “You are such a quaint little person, and somehow or other I rather like you, in spite of all your tantrums. They amuse me”. ( At which point I’m afraid if it had been me I would have grabbed something off the fireplace mantel and thrown it at him. Jane is a better woman than I. )
Then Jack says Go away I’m busy.
Jane says Busy doing what, reading the paper and smoking a pipe?
Jack says Yes, as a matter of fact.
Jane says You will not read the paper when I am in the room wanting to talk to you. It’s insulting.
Jack throws down the paper and says Get on with it.
Jane says Sandy has to go, I will be giving him his notice this morning.
Jack says You will be giving him warning? Are you aware I am master of this house?
Jane says Yes. But I am the mistress, possessed of equal rights and authority within her own departments.
Jack says When you talk like that I think I have over indulged and spoiled you. You have too much of your own way.
( Alright, at this point I just had to keep telling myself ‘It’s turn-of-the-century England. Things were different then. How else to explain the fact that Jane hasn’t knocked some sense into him with a nice heavy candlestick by now? )
Jane says It’s your fault. We have been married 9 years and during that time I have managed the entire household.
Jack says You are right. But you did it with his money.
Jane says How kind of you to remind me that I have no money of my own. You proposed to a pauper and I made what is considered a good match. You have to live with it now.
Jack says Haven’t I done so? Why are you bringing this up?
Jane says If you are complaining that I have my own way, why didn’t you look after matters yourself?
Jack says Perhaps I should have.
Jane says You were too lazy. I whenever I tried to consult you, you said you didn’t care what I did as long as you weren’t bothered. I shouldered all the worry and responsibility.
Jack says You are right. But it won’t be like that any more. I am obliged to you for pointing out how absent I have been.
Jane says ( sarcastically ) Glad I could help.
Jack says You have shown me that too much authority has been in your hands. Power is bad for a woman. I made a mistake.
Jane says You talk as if I had committed a crime.
Jack says No, but as you say it’s not fair for you to do it all.
Jane says ( sarcastically ) Your awfully considerate all of a sudden.
Jack says I am going to turn over a new leaf. From now on I will take over all management of the men-servents.
Jane says So you will give Sandy warning?
Jack says I will talk to Sandy and tell him to be more careful but I have no intention of getting rid of him.
Jane says Why not?
Jack says Because as a golf coach he is invaluable. I’ll hire someone else to be the butler if you want.
Jane says We don’t need another man-servant.
Jack says No we don’t, but if it will make you happy I’ll incur the extra expense.
Jane says If I had my way we would have nothing but maids.
Jack says Sandy will improve and it’s silly to give warning for only one offense
Jane says He has made hundreds of mistakes.
Jack says He will improve. You look flushed. Perhaps you should retire and regain your serenity. ( Ok now, surely, she will use the candlestick? )
Jane says When you use that tone I hate you.
Jack says You may hate me but I am your husband so it would be politic to conceal the fact.
Jane says How dare you take to me like that ( after everything that has been said NOW she says this? ). You know I don’t lie and pretend.
Jack says After nagging me about being master in my own house you can hardly complain if I decide to take over.
Jane says But surely my feelings ought to be considered.
Jack says ( and I quote ) “Most certainly; only you appear to have forgotten the fact that the mistress of an establishment is at all times subject to the head. Come, little woman, do not let us quarrel any longer.’ And he tried to put his arm around her.
But Jane says Don’t touch me. You have said things to me today I shall never forgive, not if I live to be a hundred. And flounces ( her word, not mine ) out of the room. ( That’s it? After everything he said that’s the best she’s got? Honestly, what’s the point of having those old heavy candlesticks if you're not going to use them? Or I’m sure there was a fireplace poker around somewhere. )
And there you have it. A rousing marital spat from the 1890’s. Jane ends the chapter by saying she had behaved like a fool, whereas Jack had held his own from first to last. He had forced her to regard him in a new light.
Well. Things are no longer sunshine and light in the Calthorpe castle. Apparently there is going to be a new King. Given the personality of the Queen so far, I’m thinking this state of affairs won’t last long. Who will eventually end up running things? Will they decide by a long drive contest? Stay tuned.
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