The Golfer's Wife

Programming Note

The FBR Open is being played this weekend. Here is what I had to say about the FBR last year. It applies this year as well. Fun tournament to watch. You know, if you need a change of pace from all the hoopla going on around that other sporting event that happens on this same time each year.

On The Marking of Balls

I have explained about the golf ball. And I have commented on the, unknown to me at the time, importance of the number on the golf ball. But I have yet to expound on the extreme importance of marking your golf balls. So here goes.

It’s very important to mark your balls. 98% of all golf balls are white. The manufactures put their stamp on the balls, but there are a limited number of manufacturers. Also certain balls, like for instance Titleist, are much more popular than others. What this means is there are a lot of balls that look very much alike out on the course. Which can make it hard to determine which one is yours. Perhaps you and your golfing partner both hit balls that rolled up over a hill and into a little depression on the other side. Once you walk up to them, which one is whose?  Or maybe you hit an errant tee shot that lands in the fairway of the next hole over. And on top of that lands right next to the ball of a player who is actually playing that hole. Once again, how do you make sure which ball is yours? And when you lose your ball in the thick grass on the side of the fairway, how do you know the ball you found is really yours?

And making sure you know you are hitting your ball is no trivial matter. In the written rules playing the wrong ball is a 2 stroke penalty. And once the fact that you are playing the wrong ball has been discovered you have to go back and replay all the shots with the correct ball. This is bad enough, but there is also the matter of etiquette. You can breach etiquette a lot of ways during a round of golf ( and the golfing gods know I have probably done all of them. More than once. ), but there is not much you can do that is considered worse than playing the wrong ball. Just. Don’t. Do it.

The reason it is considered such bad form to play the wrong ball is that it is so easily avoided. All you have to do is mark your balls. Then you will always be sure the ball you are about to hit is really yours.

Most players develop their mark over a period of time. They may start out with something like their initials. Or their birthday. But then they begin to play with it and develop their own, unique, mark. Having your own mark is such a part of the game that Titleist made their famous ‘how do you mark your Titleist’ commercials. These consist of various pro golfers, men and women, describing their mark. Two dots here, a line and a dot there. A circle around a dot over the number, etc. Ordinary people might not have understood what the pros were talking about until the end of the commercial. But every Golfer knew exactly what they were saying. And of course the tag line at the end is: It’s not how you mark your ball, it’s how you mark your Titleist. 

It used to be that marks were in black. Because that was the only color indelible ink pens came in. But now they come in an array of colors, which has really opened up the marking possibilities. Remember back here, #7 on this list?  I wasn’t kidding about that. Sharpies are good for all kinds of things. Things that might dull their tip, or leave fuzz on it ( like writing his name in Golfing Offspring #3’s sweatshirts for instance ). Which means we do have a special set of Sharpies that is to be used ONLY for marking balls.

In addition to marking the ball, Golfers generally also add an ‘alignment line’.  An alignment line is a straight line used for lining up puts. A Golfer will make sure the alignment line is pointing straight towards the middle of the hole when the ball is on the green. Depending on the break of the green he may not hit the ball straight towards the hole, but it helps line up the put to have a line down the middle of the ball lined up with the middle of the hole. Or so I’ve been told anyway. As per usual, the little tricks of good Golfers are somewhat lost on me.

For The Golfer ‘the marking of the balls’ is something of a ritual. He lines up his Sharpies( green in his case ). Takes out a box of balls( Titleist ProV 1x’s, if you’ll recall ). And opens up a sleeve. He very carefully puts two green dots around each number, adds the alignment line, puts that ball down, and picks up the next one. When that sleeve is done he moves onto the next one, until the entire box has been marked. It is NOT a good idea to disturb him when he is doing this. There is some kind of zen thing going on between him and the balls.

As for The Offspring and me. We generally just grab 6 or so balls from the big bag of found balls in the garage and mark them up right before we go play. Nothing zen about it. Overall we’re not too particular about the color of the Sharpie either. And for the record, mine is a shamrock. Or as close to a shamrock as my lousy drawing skills on a dimpled surface will allow me to get.

The difference in approaches may have something to do with overall number of balls used. The Golfer can afford to spend so much time with each ball, because chances are good he and that ball will spend a fair amount of time together. Probably several rounds. Whereas chances are good that any ball The Offspring or I start a round with, will not be the ball we finish the round with. It probably won’t even be the ball we finish the front 9 with. It’s hard to justify spending too much time bonding with something that is fickle enough to fly off and hide in the tall grass, or decide to go for a swim, after just a few holes.

And one more thing. About colored balls. Orange balls for winter play are a must. Other than that, stick to white. It may not seem like it, but any color other than white is very hard to follow in flight, and also very hard to see in the green grass once it lands. I know it might seem like it would be easy to spot a neon pink or yellow ball, but believe me, even neon pink is hard to spot in green grass. The only thing that really stands out from 100 yards away when you are looking for it, is white.

Not Much Hope

The Bob Hope Chrysler Classic is being played this week in Palm Springs. Here is what Jigger had to say about it last year. A few things have changed this year. First of all George Lopez has been replaced as host by Arnold Palmer. And as wonderful as it is to have Arnie hosting, apparently that hand off could have been handled better. Although it sounds like the tournament officials aren’t exactly experts at PR. In any case, no matter what Jigger thought about Mr. Lopez hosting, it sounds as if he took it very seriously, and probably would have been good for the tournament. And he could have provided at least a few years of continuity. Arnie is a wonderful host, but he is almost 80. This isn’t going to be a long term gig for him.

Here is the list of celebrities playing this year. I recognize about ½ of them. And there are no real A-listers. I have no idea if any of them can actually play golf. It would seem that even having Arnie host isn’t enough to attract big stars.

As for the golfers. Well, let’s just say it’s not the A-list there either.

The other thing that has changed is, of course, Chrysler. Chrysler has been The Hopes sponsor since 1985. I’m not sure how the general public feels about bailout money being used to host a golf tournament, but even The Golfer thinks perhaps they could have found a better use for the money. And of course the big question that no one is asking this week, but everyone is thinking is:  Will there even be a Chrysler next year?  And the corollary to that is: If not Chrysler, who?  Given the current economic climate, who can justify spending the money to sponsor a tournament that can’t attract top name players, or celebrities?

This is the 50th anniversary of Bob’s tournament. As far as it has fallen from it’s heyday, it would still be sad if this year is it’s last.

Maybe if they had Cheerleaders?

Geoff Ogilvy won the first tournament of the season, the Mercedes Benz Championship at Kapalua, Hawaii.  Based on this, it appears that Jigger is not the only one who thinks that TV golf coverage can be a trifle yawn inducing.

I think I have mentioned previously that, except for certain tournaments ( any of the majors and the TPC ) even The Golfer himself tends to use the TV coverage as an excuse to take a nap. Especially since we Tivo all of it. If it turns out he misses a great shot he can always go back and watch it.

I’m not really sure how you fix this. Less coverage over all would help. But if you’re The Golf Channel you kind of have to show golf. And it’s not like you can go interview football players or hockey players. You are pretty much required to interview golfers. Who, as Jigger pointed out, tend to stick to the same old script.

And, as several writers pointed out, the more time they have to fill the more apt people are to say things that will get them in trouble.

It would help if the golfers them selves would loosen up a bit, but chances of that happening are slim. It would also be good if the commentators didn’t feel like they needed to fill every minute with talk and analysis. A little less talk over would be nice. Except, of course, for Mr. Feherty. As a matter of fact, perhaps they could cut down on some of that unneeded tournament coverage and give Mr. Feherty a talk show. And let him interview people besides professional golfers. Hello, Golf Channel! Are you listening? 

The Sorrows - Part IV

I think it is about time we checked in with Jack and Jane Calthorpe don’t you? So here is another episode of The Sorrows of a Golfers Wife, the continuing stoooorrry of  Jane and her husband Jack, who has gone to the greens

( For previous episodes see here )

When last we left The Calthorpes Jane was about to throw a dinner party and was worried whether Sandy will be able to hold up his end of things.

In the days before the dinner Jane spends hours going over every little thing with Sandy. Telling him exactly what he is supposed to do. She even writes it all down for him, so he can check the notes if he forgets something. And instead of being resentful and put out at having his duties explained to him like this, Sandy listens with attention and actually seems grateful for the help and hints on how to do things. Jane actually starts to like him, and think that he just might work out after all.

On the day of the dinner, as always happens when the wife plans something like this and all the husband really needs to do is stay out of the way, Jack throws a monkey wrench into the works. Everyone is busy getting ready, and Sandy is doing what he needs to do. Jack has totally forgotten about the dinner party and invited a neighbor over to play a round of golf. He has already conscripted Barker and needs Sandy to make a foursome. He cajoles Jane into letting him have Sandy ‘for just an hour’. And of course it was more than an hour. They didn’t show up back at the house until after 5. And naturally Jane was fuming. And to top it all of they disappear into Jacks study for whiskey and sodas. Sandy reappears from the study with a bowl full of dirty balls which Jack has told him to ‘whiten up’ for tomorrows play. Jane tells him he won’t be doing that now of course, to put the bowl down and get to work. Sandy puts the bowl on a serving tray. Jane tells him to be sure and put it away somewhere before the guests come. Sandy assures her he will, and she leaves him to go get dressed. Jack falls asleep in the study. Which means he doesn’t set the wine out to breathe or chill the champagne.  Jane wakes him and tells him to hurry up and get dressed, the guests are already arriving.

And here we find that, even in 1896, the English have already been talking about the weather for as long as anyone can remember.

Everyone arrives but dinner is 35 minutes late, due to Jack being late because of getting dressed, and the servants being behind since Sandy was gone. But eventually dinner is served. It goes off without a hitch. Sandy makes a few small mistakes but the footman covers for him. Jack continually tries to bring the talk around to golf. Jane manages to keep it on other subjects, mostly hunting, since that’s what all the other dinner guests had spent their day doing, until dinner is over. But then Jack gets into ‘full swing’( Jane’s words, not mine ).

Sandy was listening to Jack talk about golf with such rapt attention than Jane has to signal him to remind him to serve dessert. Which is to be a sliced pineapple. And here is where things go wrong.

Well the guests laughed quite heartily, mostly at Sandy. Who felt like he needed to explain himself and gave a little speech, complete with his Scottish accent, about how all the talk of golf had ‘laid hold’ of him and it seemed perfectly natural to hand out the golf balls. And that golf was the ‘grandest game that was ever invented’. Which brought more laughter from the guests.

Jane makes some rather biting comments to the effect that golf has made both the master and his servant totally crazy, and advised her guests to stay far away from it or their households will never know another peaceful moment. She makes it very clear she blames the whole thing on Jack and is NOT happy with him. Jack resents the remarks, but she pulls out her trump card as hostess and calls the women from the table to retire to the parlor and leave the men to their smokes and drinks, thus ending the conversation. 

Jane is feeling totally humiliated and just knows the story will be the talk of the country side by tomorrow morning. She is sure that Jack now sees how totally out of his element Sandy is as a butler and how wrong it was to hire him and that tomorrow he will send him packing.

Of course Jack doesn’t quite see things the same way. This leads to ‘one of the most serious quarrels – if not THE most serious quarrel’ of their nine years of wedded life.

Jack says Sandy made a full of himself but so what? And buries his head in the newspaper
Jane says How nice that he thought that was the end of the matter
Jack says That he was the reasonable person, Jane was the firebrand.
Jane says He likes firebrands, he would be bored with a wife that worshiped him. Plus it would make him conceited and ruin his character.
Jack says No fear of that with you around, but it would be nice to have a little ‘wifely adoration’ every now and then.
Jane says You wouldn’t have married me if she was like that.
Jack says ( and I quote ) “You are such a quaint little person, and somehow or other I rather like you, in spite of all your tantrums. They amuse me”.  ( At which point I’m afraid if it had been me I would have grabbed something off the fireplace mantel and thrown it at him. Jane is a better woman than I. )
Then Jack says Go away I’m busy.
Jane says Busy doing what, reading the paper and smoking a pipe?
Jack says Yes, as a matter of fact.
Jane says You will not read the paper when I am in the room wanting to talk to you. It’s insulting.
Jack throws down the paper and says Get on with it.
Jane says Sandy has to go, I will be giving him his notice this morning.
Jack says You will be giving him warning? Are you aware I am master of this house?
Jane says Yes. But I am the mistress, possessed of equal rights and authority within her own departments.
Jack says When you talk like that I think I have over indulged and spoiled you. You have too much of your own way.
( Alright, at this point I just had to keep telling myself ‘It’s turn-of-the-century England. Things were different then. How else to explain the fact that Jane hasn’t knocked some sense into him with a nice heavy candlestick by now? )
Jane says It’s your fault. We have been married 9 years and during that time I have managed the entire household.
Jack says You are right. But you did it with his money.
Jane says How kind of you to remind me that I have no money of my own. You proposed to a pauper and I made what is considered a good match. You have to live with it now.
Jack says Haven’t I done so? Why are you bringing this up?
Jane says If you are complaining that I have my own way, why didn’t you look after matters yourself?
Jack says Perhaps I should have.
Jane says You were too lazy. I whenever I tried to consult you, you said you didn’t care what I did as long as you weren’t bothered. I shouldered all the worry and responsibility.
Jack says You are right. But it won’t be like that any more. I am obliged to you for pointing out how absent I have been.
Jane says ( sarcastically ) Glad I could help.
Jack says You have shown me that too much authority has been in your hands. Power is bad for a woman. I made a mistake.
Jane says You talk as if I had committed a crime.
Jack says No, but as you say it’s not fair for you to do it all.
Jane says ( sarcastically ) Your awfully considerate all of a sudden.
Jack says I am going to turn over a new leaf. From now on I will take over all management of the men-servents.
Jane says So you will give Sandy warning?
Jack says I will talk to Sandy and tell him to be more careful but I have no intention of getting rid of him.
Jane says Why not?
Jack says Because as a golf coach he is invaluable. I’ll hire someone else to be the butler if you want.
Jane says We don’t need another man-servant.
Jack says No we don’t, but if it will make you happy I’ll incur the extra expense.
Jane says If I had my way we would have nothing but maids.
Jack says Sandy will improve and it’s silly to give warning for only one offense
Jane says He has made hundreds of mistakes.
Jack says He will improve. You look flushed. Perhaps you should retire and regain your serenity. ( Ok now, surely, she will use the candlestick? )
Jane says  When you use that tone I hate you.
Jack says You may hate me but I am your husband so it would be politic to conceal the fact.
Jane says How dare you take to me like that ( after everything that has been said NOW she says this? ). You know I don’t lie and pretend.
Jack says After nagging me about being master in my own house you can hardly complain if I decide to take over.
Jane says But surely my feelings ought to be considered.
Jack says ( and I quote ) “Most certainly; only you appear to have forgotten the fact that the mistress of an establishment is at all times subject to the head. Come, little woman, do not let us quarrel any longer.’  And he tried to put his arm around her.
But Jane says Don’t touch me. You have said things to me today I shall never forgive, not if I live to be a hundred.  And flounces ( her word, not mine ) out of the room. ( That’s it?  After everything he said that’s the best she’s got? Honestly, what’s the point of having those old heavy candlesticks if you're not going to use them?  Or I’m sure there was a fireplace poker around somewhere. )

And there you have it. A rousing marital spat from the 1890’s. Jane ends the chapter by saying she had behaved like a fool, whereas Jack had held his own from first to last. He had forced her to regard him in a new light.

Well. Things are no longer sunshine and light in the Calthorpe castle. Apparently there is going to be a new King. Given the personality of the Queen so far, I’m thinking this state of affairs won’t last long. Who will eventually end up running things? Will they decide by a long drive contest?  Stay tuned.

It's Started

The 2009 season has begun.  The first tournament on the PGA tour is the Mercedez-Benz Championship which is being played this week in Kapalua, Maui, Hawaii. The first tournament on the LPGA is the HSBC Brasil Cup, Jan. 24-25, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. 

Just thought I'd mention it. In case you were tired of BCS bowl games and NFL playoffs. 

Personalities

So I was looking at what Jigger said in his previous post, and he is right about one thing. Professional golfers almost never say anything with regards to their feelings about… anything. About each other. About the course they are playing. About their caddy. About the clubhouse accommodations. About their families. About anything except their game. And some of them ( like for instance Vijay Singh ) don’t even like to talk about that. There is an unwritten rule, which is strictly enforced, that says they are all gentleman and gentleman don’t comment. And since the voicing of an opinion is so rare, when it happens the commentators jump all over it and blow it all out of proportion, and the other players shake their heads and say ‘Well, I guess that’s just the way he feels’ and leave you with the feeling they are embarrassed for the offender. And the offender is expected to apologize for whatever they said in order to get back in everyone’s good graces. And the commentators are just as bad, probably because they are all former golfers. They rarely say anything about what goes on in the clubhouse, or what players think about each other, or what they think of the course, or what they think of the PGA. It’s all very polite. And, as Jigger pointed out, it can be rather boring.

There are some rare exceptions to this. Most notably the train wreck that is John Daly. He has never been shy with his thoughts. He even had a reality show on The Golf Channel. And of course recently there is Boo Weekly. Boo makes no secret of the fact that golf is okay, but what he really likes is fishing and hunting and as soon as he has enough money in the bank that he can spend all his time fishing and hunting he is out-a here.

But for the most part how the players feel about each other, or about anything except their game, is considered not a topic for polite conversation.

All this politeness also means you don’t really learn about the personalities of the players. At least not in the way you do about the athletes in most sports. We watch The Golf Channel here at The Household. We also get multiple golf magazines. If you have been paying that kind of attention to golf for long enough you pick up things here and there. You kind of get a feel for who is liked and who is not. Who is a jerk and who is not. If you read the links in Jiggers post you may have picked up on the fact that Phil is considered a bit of a jerk. But of course no one will come right out and say that.

Over the years I have formed opinions on certain players. These opinions have no basis what so ever in fact. But we all form opinions about people we have very limited information on. People ahead of us in line at the super market, the guy in the Prius next to us on the highway, the person who passes you on the sidewalk while you are walking your dog. Snap judgments made on basically no information. It’s more fun that way.

I don’t like Phil. I have never liked Phil. Not since the beginning. Not when he was the-best-player-who-never-one-a-major. Not now. I don’t know why. Certainly not based on any concrete information. The one thing I will say about Phil is he is not a whiner. Even when he fell apart in a final round, or choked big time. He always took full responsibility for his play.

Unlike Sergio. As I have mentioned before Sergio is a whiner. Not as much now. He is definitely maturing. But he used to blame his bad play on the weather, the course, the bird, the squirrels. Anything but himself. This is not conjecture on my part. Just watch any old interviews with him. But in spite of the whining I like Sergio. He is young and brash and just cute as all get out, and I like him. Once again, based on no facts what so ever. I just like the kid.

I also like Jim Furyk( although his putting routine drives me crazy ). He is one of the calmest quietest players on the tour. How the heck I have formed any opinion on him at all beats me. Maybe it was the sweater commercial. He was in this commercial where an elderly woman knitted him this awful sweater, but he wore it anyway. I guess I figured any one who would even make a commercial like that was a good guy.

And then there is Vijay Singh. Not the most popular guy on tour. He seems to have a rather caustic personality. And yet for some reason I like him. I think he probably has a wicked sense of humor if he counts you as a friend. Why do I think that?  I have no idea. But I would like to have a couple beers with Vijay.

Same thing with the announcers. Can’t stand Johnny Miller. But he could be a really nice guy. And Gary McCord is a hoot. But maybe off camera he’s such a big jerk he eats dinner alone.

( okay, losing my train of thought here. Nibby is in the other room doing the pre-kill playing with a mouse. It’s a little distracting. Soon there will be the sound of crunching bones as he eats it. Jigger is sitting here listening too, but he knows better than to go in and check things out. That way lies a shredded nose.  )

Anyway, where was I… oh yeah. I don’t for one minute think my opinions of various players are right. On the extreme off chance I ever meet one of them I will shake hands with a completely open mind. I know enough to know I really don’t know much about them at all. Phil and Johnny Miller might be a lot of fun at a back yard BBQ, and Jim Furyk and Gary McCord might be conceited jerks. Based on the information available you really can’t be sure about any of them.

Except of course for the wonderful Mr. Feherty. I am sure my opinion of him as funny and completely charming is 100% correct. And if there is anyone on tour who doesn’t think so then I am sure my opinion that they are obviously jealous of his superior personality is also 100% correct. 

Jigger says...Go Stevie!

[Editors note: I’m not sure starting out the New Year with one of Jigger’s ran..uh, opinion pieces, is the smartest thing to do. But during his convalescence from the sugar-free-gum-incident he was reading up on current events and he came across something that, as a mouthy terrier, really struck home, and he has been griping about it ever since. In an effort to get him to shut up I have agreed to let him gripe in print, in the hope that this will put an end to it, and he will move on to something else. Like maybe squirrels. That’s a permanent pet peeve ( ha ha, pet. Get it?  ). Anyway. When injury ended Tigers season back in June, his caddy, Steve Williams, went home to New Zealand. Where lately he got into a bit of hot water. See here. Here is Lorne Rubenstein’s take on things. And here is a wrap up of commentary on Geoff Shackelford’s site. So after all of that, here is Jigger’s opinion of the whole thing. At the end of which I will tell you what FIGJAM stands for. ] 

So Stevie is at a charity event down there in New Zealand and he makes a few comments. Down at the bottom of the world they tend to feel a little left out of things so he was probably trying to make the hometown crowd feel better by getting a little personal. So he said what he thinks. Big deal. I do it all the time. Y’all all know exactly how I feel about the cat. And squirrels. And those damn coyotes. He probably thought that way down there no one would really be paying any attention. And they wouldn’t have if it weren’t for two things. First off, nothing else going on. World of golf is dead right now but all those golf writers have to do something to get paid. So they scour the inter-webs looking for something, anything, golf related to write about.  They jumped all over a few off hand comments made by a guy at the bottom of the world. If he had made those comments during the British Open the writers would have been so busy covering the goings on in England they never would have noticed what Stevie said. Bad timing on Stevie’s part.

Second off, Golf Coverage Is Boring. Seriously. All gentlemanly and polite. No one EVER says ANYTHING bad about ANYONE. They’re a bunch of guys, who see each other every day for weeks on end. They can’t all like each other all the time. You know there have to be some of them that don’t get along. You know they have to have habits that just bug the heck out of each other. You know there has to be a few personalities that just plain clash. But would any of them ever admit that? Oh nooooooo. It’s always sunshine and rainbows. And every once and while when someone does let a halfway interesting comment slip out they are immediately jumped on. It’s like the tour is full of a bunch of zombies or robots or the Borg or something. Give me a trash talking football player, or a nice fight in a hockey game any day. At least you know how they really feel. And the trash talk has to be really bad, or it has to be a bench-clearing brawl, before it makes news. A coupla relatively mild comments by what is basically an equipment manager, wouldn’t register on anybodies radar for any sport except boring old golf. They set them selves up for this kind of thing is what I’m saying.  No body pays attention to what they say during the season. Even here at The Household they skip right through any coverage that has anybody talking, commentator or player. Who cares what they say any more. Just shut up and show them hitting the ball. And then when the dead season hits the writers are so desperate for something to say that when a guy tells a little bit of truth it gets blown all out of whack. If they would let a real opinion escape every now and then this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.

So here’s what I think they should do. Get rid of Nick Faldo and bring Stevie on as The Golf Channel regular guy. Let him tell what really goes in the locker room. What the players really think about Phil (and Nick, come to that), and ‘in-the-hole’ yelling spectators, and Ian Poulters obnoxious outfits, and squirrels. Stupid fence crawling, nut throwing, chattering-will-they-ever-shut-up squirrels. Now there’s something everyone has an opinion on. Speaking of which, gotta go. Looks like Nibby has one of the little monsters treed. Cat’s good for something anyway.  

[Standard disclaimer: The opinions of this particular poster are his and his alone, and do not necessarily reflect those of the owner of this blog. Oh, and FIGJAM stands for F*** I’m Good, Just Ask Me. ]