The Golfer's Wife

Still Here

I know, total lack of posting here lately. But I did warn you.

Christmas was good, thanks for asking. Not too much golf stuff for a change. The Golfer got a new putter. And Offspring #3 got Golfdotz in his stocking ( thanks to HOG for the recommendation ). Marking your golf balls is very important ( whole ‘nother post that. On the Marking Of Balls. ) but 12 year old boys just really can’t be bothered. Imagine that. But he thought the alien and skull Golfdotz were great. And the flames. Hopefully he thinks they are cool enough that he will actually use them. But that was it golf present wise.

Here in The Wild West we had our worst weather in the weeks before Christmas. Christmas week was actually pretty nice ( if you define nice as no snow, sunshine and afternoon highs in the 30’s ). This week has started out even better. The Golfer and I actually played a round today. It was a beautiful sunny day. Temperatures in the low 60’s and very little wind. Of course no matter how warm it gets during the day it still gets below freezing at night. Which means the snow may have melted, but the ground is still frozen. Except for the spots that get a lot of sun, which have melted enough to turn into muddy bogs. So you do your best to drive a tee into the frozen tundra that is the tee box, then watch your ball go bouncing down the frozen fairway, traveling 50 yards farther than it normally would, only to watch it sink into a muddy mess with a little ‘gloop’ sound. Definitely winter rules. But a nice way to spend the day none the less.

We played with another two-some, which included an older gentleman named Bill. The rest of us would walk onto the tee box, lean over and grunt as we tried to push a tee into the frozen ground. Bill would walk onto the tee box, take something out of his pocket, use it to punch a starter hole, then push his tee into the hole. Circumstances prevented me from finding out exactly what it was he had in his pocket, but I think it was a heavy duty sewing awl. Which, I have to say, is a rather ingenious use for said awl. Perhaps it is a little trick well known to golfers in parts of the country where you spend at least part of the year playing on frozen ground. But The Golfer had never heard of it. Since we do live in a part of the country where you spend at least part of the year playing on frozen ground I will be looking into it. It certainly saved Bill a lot of effort.

Posting will continue to be light around here. The weather is supposed to turn bad again tomorrow, so there will probably be no more golf for awhile. There will, however be skiing and snowboarding ( by the Offspring, not me. My knees forced me to give that up years ago. ). Which I tell you just to show that, in spite of what this blog may lead you to believe, we do go outside for other reasons besides golf. And, since The Golfer grew up in the south, the family will gather on New Years Day for the traditional black eyed peas and hog jowls.

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, Jigger seems to have fully recovered from the sugar-free gum incident. He was a little sluggish and off his food for a few days, but is as mouthy as ever now. And he made a trip to the groomer, who, after she finished laughing at him, felt sorry for him and trimmed his legs up so the poodle paws aren’t nearly as noticeable. Which hasn’t stopped Nibby from laughing at him. But he does that all the time anyway.

Public Service Announcement - Courtesy of Poodle Paws

Jigger made a trip to the emergency vet Friday night a couple of weeks ago. Thursday night, while the rest of The Household was asleep Jigger was busy doing things.  And one of those things was eating around 2 ( we think the second pack wasn’t quite full ) packs of Orbit gum. One of the other things he did was throw up about half of the sticks of gum he ate. Which we discovered when we got up in the morning. I cleaned up the mess and didn’t think much more about it other than ‘Damn dog.’ 

Friday night Jigger threw up again ( no gum this time ) and then collapsed. And of course he did this well after our vets regular office hours. Hence the trip to the emergency vet. After questioning me about his actions the past 24 hrs the emergency vet zeroed in on the packs of Orbit gum. 

Here is the public service announcement:  The Sweetener Xylitol Used In Sugar Free Gum Is Extremely Toxic To Dogs. Ingestion can lead to life threatening hypoglycemia, or low blood sugar. 

And it doesn’t take much. Jigger weighs 43 pounds. 6 sticks of Orbit would be enough to cause an emergency trip to the vet. And he ate quite a bit more than 6. The emergency vet said they get 2 or 3 cases a week of dogs that have eaten sugar free gum. People know about chocolate, but not about Xylitol. So they aren’t too careful about keeping gum up and away from dogs who are looking for something to do. 

So here is the list of things to make sure your dog absolutely never eats:

Raisons
Grapes
Blueberries
Onions
Garlic
Chocolate

Now add to that list, at the top:  Sugar Free Gum.

The treatment is an IV ( or 2 or 3 ) of a glucose solution. Which Jigger got. Hence the funny shaved parts on his legs.

It takes a few days for Xylitol to clear the system. Longer if they eat a lot. So you have to watch them closely for awhile. Jigger is fine now. He seems to have suffered no long term ill effects. Other than the indignity of having the cat laugh at him, and the rest of The Household calling him Poodle Paws.  

Sloooowww

You may have noticed a bit of a slow down in the frequency of posting around here. There are several reasons for this. First and foremost, it's that time of year. The schedule goes a little crazy around here between Thanksgiving and New Years. Writing for the blog moves way down on the to do list. But even if I do find time, there just isn't that much to write about. Nothing going on on either tour. And, just as in most of the rest of the country, winter has finally arrived here in The Wild West, which means not much golfing here to write about either. Add to that the fact that when you wake up in the morning and the temperature is -15 degrees you kind of lose your motivation to do much of anything except drink hot cocoa ( liberally flavored with peppermint schnapps ) and, well, the number of days between posts grows.

So, sorry if you keep checking, only to find the same post on top for 5 days in a row. I will do my best to get something new up but I'm not promising anything. But things will pick up again in January. The schedule around here gets back to normal, and both tours start playing again. And believe it or not, there is actually winter golf around here, if there isn't an arctic front blowing through. I mean why do you think they make orange balls anyway?

Plus Fours

Plus Fours have been mentioned several times on this blog, and it has been pointed out to me that, unless golf permeates your life the way it does around here, you might not know what plus fours are. Actually you do. I mean, I’m sure you’ve seen them. You just might not realize there is an official name for those funny looking knickers. These are plus fours:

The iconic golf attire. Although actually plus fours didn’t make their appearance until the 1920’s. Previous to World War I men, boys, and sometimes women, would wear knickers. These had a band which fastened at the knee. They were fine for walking, but tightened up when the knee bent, so were uncomfortable when sitting, or riding a horse. During World War I British officers took to wearing looser fitting riding breeches which bloused over the top of their boots. The extra bag made them more comfortable and gave them more freedom of movement. The ‘blouse’ was created by adding an extra 4 inches to the length of the knickers. Hence ‘plus fours’. After the war was over plus fours were quickly adopted by golfers. They were considered quite stylish and gave more room to move than traditional knickers. Prince Edward VIII wore them on a visit to the US in 1924 where they caught on immediately and were considered ‘de rigueur’ at all the golf clubs.

Fashion moves on, in golf as everywhere else, and by the early 1940’s plus fours were ‘out’.  And yet, see a picture of someone in plus fours and you immediately think ‘golf’.

And yes, as mentioned previously, The Golfer owns a pair ( black, with a pair of black, grey and white argyle socks ), and yes, he wore them in one of our Christmas pictures. If you would like your own pair you can get them here.

The late, charismatic, much loved, and always dapper, Payne Stewart wore plus fours on tour. Here are some pictures of Payne, demonstrating how to do plus fours right:

I actually like plus fours. Done right I think they make a great golf statement. But I seriously doubt they will ever make a come back. Still, wouldn’t it be great to see Tiger on Sunday in a red shirt, black knickers, with red, black and white argyles? 

Free Range Balls

Here at The Household we let golf balls roam free. Every now and then one of us will pick one up and put it in a container of some sort. But they always seem to get out again, so mostly we just ignore them. They don’t make messes, or eat things they shouldn’t and require late night trips to the emergency vet ( Jigger, are you reading this? ). They are big enough that you can’t actually step on them and they are easy enough to roll out of the way if you need to. Nibby knocks them around every now and then, mostly just to remind them he can I think. But for the most part they have the run of the house and we pretty much leave them alone.

Your average golf ball doesn’t seem to be very adventurous. The majority of them seem happy to just keep rolling around the house. But there are always a few that have a bit more curiosity than the others. They like to try new things. So they hang out in dance bags. Or make a break for it and take up residence under car seats ( the family has grown to 5 by the way ).

Two of them have tried out some new surroundings lately. One of them tried to make it outside by hiding in Offspring #2’s Ugg boot. Nice and warm and fuzzy in there I’m sure. Unfortunately there isn’t room for an entire foot in the boot with a golf ball in there, so it was discovered before it got very far.

The second one wanted a little more excitement and decided to go for a ride in the washing machine. I think it changed it’s mind about half way through and it started banging on the side to get out. But we were busy and didn’t pay much attention. I didn’t realize what the banging was until I pulled the clothes out and the golf ball was rolling around dizzily at the bottom of the washer. I pulled it out and dropped it on the floor and it rolled away. I don’t think it will try that again.

You just never know where the more adventurous ones will turn up. Maybe even at a golf course.

First Step

Were you paying any attention to Q-school this weekend?  Both the men and women had their finals this weekend ( well, actually the men’s final was today. ). Here at The Household we were keeping our eye on Michelle Wie.

Michelle tied for 7th, and thus made the top 20, and earned her LPGA Tour card for 2009. As mentioned previously, in spite of the number of tournaments she has played in, this is the first time she has actually had a card.

There were several things to notice about her win. Standard Wie procedure has been to do well the first 3 rounds then fall apart on Sunday. And true to form she started out Sunday with 3 bogeys. But then she steadied herself and played a good round. And at the press conference afterwards she did the talking. Not her father. Here is a quote from that conference:

"It's a good feeling, I really earned it. I took my medicine and really gutted it out. I went to local qualifying and finals. It's like high school graduation." 

Sounds like she might actually be proud of herself for earning that card. Up until now she may have been good enough to play on the LPGA, but she hadn’t earned the right, it had all been given to her. It had to feel a little funny to be in the clubhouse with a group of women players who all had to earn the right to play, when all you had to do was show up. As mentioned previously, it left some bad feelings. But based on the above, she knows that. She ‘took her medicine’.  And she did indeed ‘gut it out’, which she has not been known to do before.

From the sound of things Michelle has matured quite a bit. And is at least speaking for herself. How much her father is still pulling the strings remains to be seen. And just because she earned her card doesn’t mean it’s all smooth sailing from here. Remember, she tied for 7th. Phenom or not, she didn’t exactly dominate. And one gutted out Sunday doesn’t mean she has put all her final round chokes behind her. And there are still going to be some hard feelings left over in the clubhouse. And there is also this:

She also says her days of playing against the men are not over. "I want to do it," she said. "I always have. It's as simple as that."

So whether or not she will live up to her potential is still a big question. But she has taken a big step in the right direction. Lets hope she keeps going in that same direction and has a good year. It would be good for her, and for the LPGA.

And in all the coverage of Michelle the first place finisher has kind of gotten lost. So here is a big TGW Congratulations! to Stacy Lewis. Stacy came in third in the US Women’s Open this year, which earned her enough money to place high enough on the money list to earn her card for next year. But because there is so much money involved with the Open as compared to the other LPGA tournaments, the LPGA has decreed that any money won at the Open doesn’t count on the money list. So although she may have earned a lot of money in 2008, she still had to earn her card. Which she did in a very convincing fashion. Here at The Household we will be watching her and hoping her success on the tour continues in 2009.  

Fine Looking Family

Every year we have a family picture taken that goes out as our Christmas card. Yes, we are one of those families. Most years I am on top of things early enough and we wear coordinating outfits. No, not matching Christmas sweaters. We aren’t THAT bad. And we are a casual kind of family, so it never involves dresses or ties. But usually I try to have the guys in one color and the girls in another. Like for instance last year the guys wore blue button down shirts and us girls had pink sweaters, but we each wore a different style. And one year we all wore dark navy t-shirts and had a dark background, so you could really see the faces. And of course there was the ( now famous among friends and family ) one where we all wore argyle ( The Golfer actually wore plus fours ) and each one of us held a different golf club. Ok, maybe sometimes we are THAT bad. Anyway. The point is a certain amount of thought and planning usually goes into the picture. Not a lot, but a little.

This year things just got away from me. I made the appointment early enough to make sure we got the cards back in time. But I was just not on top of the wardrobe situation. So the day before the appointment there was a bit of a panic around what we were going to wear. It needed to be something where we looked somewhat coordinated. Which is easier said than done. 5 people with different tastes and styles.

But you’ll be happy to know the situation was easily resolved. If you are a golfing family ( and I think it has been clearly established we are ) and you play a lot, and quite a bit of that play is done on courses with dress codes, what are the two things you are guaranteed each family member has an abundance of?  Solid color golf shirts and khaki pants.

Not very original I know. But we manage to look damn good anyway ( if I do say so myself ).

Offspring #3 has suggested that next year we go with a James Bond theme. Guys in tuxes and girls in long dresses. Yeah. I’m all over that. Not.

When You Have A Spare Hour Or Two

The Golfer had a tee time at 10am on Friday. But he didn’t get to play. There was at least an inch of snow on the ground when we got up, and it was still snowing. You would think that would mean he had 5 extra hours to get things done. But if that’s what you think then you obviously don’t live with a Golfer. The way Golfers figure it, they planned their day NOT accomplishing anything during those 5 hours except birdies and pars, so if they don’t accomplish anything else they really aren’t any the worse off. Which means The Golfer watched some football, and some basketball, and got caught up on all his blogs, and just generally ‘chilled’.

If you happen to live in a part of the country where snow puts an end to your golf for awhile, perhaps you use this time more constructively than The Golfer, and spend it increasing your knowledge of the game through books, magazines and movies. Or perhaps you live with A Golfer and are interested in books and movies that will help you understand them better. There is a list of recommended books in the left hand side bar, that would be a good place to start. As for movies…… there have been a fair number of golf movies made over the years, but if you want to fit in with Golfers there are 3 you have to watch. I’m not saying you have to like them. I’m not even saying they are necessarily good movies. I’m just saying that every Golfer has seen them. More than once. And they Liked them. And they can quote them. And if you want to understand your Golfer you need to watch them and be able to recognize the references.

The link for each movie is the IMDb entry, which, down under ‘Fun Stuff’, contains a link to famous quotes from the movie. Read them. Memorize them. If you can slip any of them into casual conversation with your Golfer you will go a long ways towards cementing your position as best spouse/significant other ever, and there is no telling what may come your way on the next gift giving occasion.

In the #3 spot:  Happy Gilmore.  Adam Sandler plays a wanna be hockey player who really doesn’t have what it takes. His grandmother is evicted from her house for failing to pay her taxes. While loading up his grandmothers stuff the moving guys find some golf clubs and challenge Happy to drive the ball farther than they can. Which of course he does. At which point he decides that if he hustles a bit on golf courses ( and by hustles I mean bets guys he can hit farther than they can, not ‘works his butt off to become a great golfer’ ) he could make enough money to pay his grandmothers back taxes. Things move on from there in typical Adam Sandler style. I admit Adam Sandler is an acquired taste ( which is mostly acquired by teenagers and frat boys ) but remember I said you don’t have to like it, you just have to watch it.

In the #2 spot: Tin Cup.  Kevin Costner plays Roy McAvoy, a washed up pro who is the instructor at a driving range in a small West Texas town and is living out of an RV. He gets a pretty psychiatrist as a student, who, as it turns out, is the girl friend of his old college golf partner, who is now a PGA superstar. Roy, of course, falls for his new student and things move on from there, with Roy eventually competing in the U.S. Open against his former partner. It is a fairly predictable story, but it’s actually a pretty good movie. I’m not sure Golfers like it so much as totally identify with it. They can all relate to Roy, and are sure that, given half a chance and a beautiful woman for motivation, they could make it to the U.S. Open. And they all have dreams about teaching said beautiful woman how to swing a golf club. Dreams where the teaching method would get them fired from any golf course, and probably arrested. But they can dream.

And in the #1 spot, by a loooooooonnnnng way:  Caddy Shack. The story of Danny Noonan, Ty Webb, Judge Smails, Lacey Underall, and Bushwood Country Club. Not only do you have to watch this, you have to memorize it. EVERY LINE. Not just the famous quotes. EVERY SINGLE LINE. This movie is now a permanent part of golf culture and has wormed it’s way into the brain of every golfer out there, even me. If you can’t recognize the reference and use ‘Be the ball’, ‘So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice’, and ‘nuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh’ correctly, then you will never understand golf, or your Golfer.  They may not admit to ever having watched Caddy Shack, but believe me they have. Maybe in secret, when no one else was in the house, but they’ve watched it. They may not even have liked it, but they know that if they want to be welcome in the foursome, they had better know every line. Because the references will be made, and they better recognize them. And they will be required to make one or two of their own. If they go a whole round without saying “It’s In The Hole’ the other players will wonder about them.

As for what I personally think of these movies: I can handle Happy Gilmore if everyone else wants to watch it, but it will never be my choice. I like Tin Cup, but it’s one of those things you can only watch about once a year. As for Caddy Shack, well, I hope you won’t think any less of me, but I love it. And it gets watched a lot in The Household. Mostly because The Offspring request it ( yes it’s rated R, I never claimed to be any better mother than I am a golfer ), but I always watch.

So there you have it. 3 movies that will vastly increase your supply of golf quotes, if not your actual understanding of the game.