The Golfer's Wife

Rules

The yearly women’s leave-the-husbands-and-kids-at-home-and-go-somewhere-fun-and-eat-and-drink-and-shop trip was this past week, so I was without a computer. And even if I had brought it along I certainly had better things to drin.. uh, do than pay attention to golf. So this morning I logged on for the first time in days to see what exciting things I had missed. And you know what? I hadn’t missed a darn thing. This is the slow season. Actually it’s referred to as the ‘silly season’.  Really just not that much going on. The majors are all ancient history, the FedEx Cup has come and gone. And the Presidents Cup ( or the Ryder Cup, depending ) is over. As is the Solheim Cup, in the years when it is played. There are still tournaments, on both tours. But the name players have all gone home for the winter. The people playing are the ones trying to earn enough to keep their tour card for next year.

So, since there is nothing worth mentioning going on with the tours, lets talk rules. Not golf rules, cc rules. As I mentioned awhile back, we belong to a country club. Country clubs have a LOT of rules. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. There aren’t many places where you take offspring these days that have a rigid set of rules, that are enforced. I don’t think it harms their psycies at all to have to actually dress appropriately and behave themselves. And they seem to have managed to adapt, as we haven’t been thrown out yet.

Anyway. CC rules come in sets. There are the pool rules, the Upper clubhouse rules, the Lower clubhouse rules, course rules, etc. Recently, in Golf Digest, Jerry Tarde commented on course rules.

Rule #1 is not an actual rule at our cc. As in it’s not actually printed in black and white in the membership book. It is generally seen as BAD FORM to throw a club, but it’s certainly done. As in the recent club-up-in-the-L********’s-tree incident. And I’m sure when they drag the ponds they find a large number of clubs among the rest of the muck they pull up. And you all know what happens to The Offspring if they throw a club. But while it certainly isn’t condoned, there is no actual rule against it.

Rule #2 is also not a rule at our cc. Drive through the parking lot on any sunny day and you will see people changing their shoes.

Rule #3 is an ABSOLUTE at our cc. Along with collared shirts which are TUCKED IN. The rule used to be no denim of ANY kind was allowed anywhere on club grounds. There was some mumbling and grumbling about this a few years ago so they took a survey on general attitudes towards denim, and the up shot of that was a rule change. Denim is allowed in the Lower clubhouse ONLY. Meaning in the grill, bar, and casual dining room. But while nice denim pants, skirts, dresses, shirts etc. may be allowed, washed out, ripped up jeans are not. And denim is still not allowed in the Upper clubhouse, and don’t even THINK about wearing it out on the course. Not even pants of the 5 pocket design that aren’t made out of denim are allowed. We may let you eat some lunch wearing a pair of Levi’s, but we’ll be damned if we’ll even let you on the practice green in them. Which is actually fine with me. As I said, it doesn’t hurt anyone to have a little enforced decorum in some part of their lives.

Rule #4 is not a rule at our cc. But normal rules of etiquette pretty much apply. When you enter the room, remove your hat. That said, walk into the bar/grill at any time on a Saturday afternoon and half the people will be wearing hats.

Rule #5 is also not a rule at our cc. But once again, normal politeness and golf etiquette applies. You don’t make noise when someone is about to strike the ball. A cell phone going off definitely qualifies as noise. So while most players have their cell phone on them, they are set to silent. Mr. Tarde argues that the younger generation thinks of the cell phone as an appendage, and that banning it risks alienating whole generations of golfers. Mr. Tarde should hang out at our course. He would see that even the ‘older’ generations will give up their cell phones only when you pry it from their cold dead hands. I don’t foresee a rule banning cell phones on the course anywhere in our future.

And about the swearing, also no rule against that. Thank goodness. Not that I ever….well, okay, yes I do. Not a lot. Really. But sometimes….when the 4th putt, that was only 6 inches, lips out….well. If there was a rule I’d be in big trouble.

Picture Essay

( I don't normally do the pop-up window thing with pictures. But these look so much better real size. Hopefully you don't sprain your finger clicking on them )

We played Riverdale Dunes yesterday.

This is what it looked like when we started:

At about the 7th hole, it started looking like this. Which, if you live out here you know, means something nasty is headed your way.

Soon after this the lightening started in earnest. Here is a little fact you might not know. The county we live in is second only to Dade County Florida in number of lightening strikes per year. And sure enough, there was a bit of a rain delay.

Yes the sky got that dark. And the wind blew and the rain came down in sheets.

20 mins later, we were back on the course, and it was moving out beyond us.

30 mins later it looked like this.

Gotta love the weather here in the Wild West.

Brassie's Stash

Brassie has been a member of The Household for a few months now. She is just over 6 months old and a few things have become apparent. The most obvious being that the + in her Red Heeler + parentage is most likely Chihuahua. She has an under bite, big ears, and is not getting nearly as big as everyone thought she would. But she is very strong and large boned for her size and her coloring is straight Red Heeler. She has more energy than the Energizer Bunny and is ALWAYS happy. But she’s not very smart. The Golfer says she is the 16 year old blonde cheer leader of dogs.

She didn’t get any of the smarts of a Red Heeler, but she does have some of their other traits. If she wants you to do something she bites at your heels. She is constantly trying to herd people this way or that. And apparently Red Heelers like to have a lot of toys, and they like to keep them in one place. This is the complete opposite of Jigger. Jigger tends to get attached to one toy at a time. And even then he will leave it out in the yard, or stuck under a piece of furniture, and it doesn’t seem to bother him at all. He is not into stuff.

Brassie is very into stuff. Brassie feels the more stuff you have the better. And you need to keep track of your stuff. She is not possessive. She doesn’t mind if Jigger takes one of her toys for some reason. She just makes sure it gets back to where it belongs when he’s done. Jiggers stuff ( specifically his reindeer, which was the current favorite toy when Brassie arrived ) quickly became Brassies stuff.  Brassie has been busy accumulating stuff since she joined The Household.

Here is a current picture of Brassie’s Stash, as we have come to call it. 

The contents of the Stash are constantly changing. Brassie doesn’t feel the need to take care of her stuff. She chews things and drags them around and if they fall apart and end up in the trash, she just goes and finds more stuff. She is VERY good at finding stuff. And yes, some of that stuff includes sticks and other ‘organic matter’ that she digs up out of the yard. Some of which I’m sure is probably poisonous and I’m very surprised we haven’t had to make a trip to the emergency vet with her yet.

And of course her stuff includes golf balls. Brassie LOVES golf balls. They roll and they bounce and they are fun to chew on. Remember here, where I explained about the status of golf balls in The Household? Well they have found their wanderings severely curtailed since Brassie showed up. Brassie believes golf balls need to be herded and they all need to stay together. In her Stash. Every time one makes a break for it she brings it back. After first bouncing it awhile on the hardwood floor, and then chewing on it, just to make sure it still tastes the same.

And yes that is a Golf Digest. Normally Brassie happily shreds any newspaper, magazine or book that happens to fall on the floor. But for some reason this particular issue of Golf Digest was deemed worthy of belonging in the Stash. I’m thinking it is because Cammmmmmilo is on the cover. She would rather look at him then chew his head off.

Wow.

So it pretty much goes without saying that we watched TPC this weekend. And let me just take this moment to say Very Well Done to the one man who has managed to look good wearing white on a golf course. But back to the watching. This year we at The Household saw TPC as we have never seen it before.

Something happened at The Household this year that has never happened before and, I think I can safely say given current events, will never happen again. Through a series of mis-calculations and being prepared for events that, as it turned out, didn’t happen, The Household had a sizeable tax refund this year. As I said, once in a lifetime kind of thing.

Anyway. When it became clear that all information had, in fact, been entered correctly and that TurboTax was, in fact, correct on the refund amount, thoughts immediately turned to what to do with the money.

We could have socked it away in any one of several different savings accounts, but, in a moment of patriotic fervor, we decided the best thing to do with it was stimulate the old economy. In short, spend it.

It was decided that a major home entertainment upgrade was needed. And we just happen to have a friend whose business is making said major home entertainment upgrades. Granted he makes these upgrades in homes that could hold at least 4 of ours, and with budgets many times larger than our refund. But still. The expertise was at hand. And so equipment was purchased and holes were cut in walls and wires were run, and the existing wireless network was utilized, and viola. 

Several wonderful things were installed, but the one that matters most for golf is HDTV. Installation was completed on Wednesday. And we watched TV and yes the picture was noticeably better. But it wasn’t until we started watching the Tivo’d first round of TPC on Thursday evening that the true wonders of HDTV hit home. Wow. Just…Wow. You could see every divot, every little hill, every swale, every sprinkler head, every blade of grass, every grain of sand. You could see every cut of rough, where things were wet, and where they were dry. And the greens! You know how the commentators will show the green and then draw lines and arrows showing the slope and ridges? And on regular TV you need that. Because the green looks like one flat expanse of grass. But on HD….you can see everything. Every ridge, every slope, every pock mark. You could even tell which way the ball was going to break. Amazing. It was just amazing. And you have no idea how much more interesting all that detail makes watching a tournament. We had everyone over to The Household for Mothers Day. And this is a crowd, all but one of whom, would never voluntarily watch golf. In fact there were a couple of them who didn’t even know what a Birdie is. But they watched TPC. Seriously. They did. When you can see what’s going on with that level of detail it gets interesting even for total non-golfers.

Watching the slow motion hit of a ball off the tee or out of the rough. And especially out of a sand trap. Just unbelievable. In fact the only downside to the whole thing was, that in addition to the course and the players, you also got Johnny Miller in HD.

We are generally pretty up to date, in fact usually ahead of the curve, when it comes to computers and techno gadgets. But we are a little late to the whole flat screen HD party. So you all probably already have it and are saying ‘Well Duh.’ But if not, and if you watch any amount of golf, and especially if you have people around who you are trying to get interested in golf, then GET HDTV. And you don’t have to make a major home entertainment upgrade to get it. Look for sales. Go to Costco. But get it. 

Crabbiness descends

GO#2 did not have golf team practice on Thursday. The Golfer did not play his weekly Friday afternoon game, and the Saturday tournament is cancelled. And right now GO#2’s Monday tournament looks like a no go.

Jigger and Hershey, idiots that they are, made a daring escape earlier today( helped greatly by The Golfer, who left the garage door open ) and came home a couple hours later soaking wet. It turns out Brassie is quite a bit smarter than the two of them. She decided not to go with them, and was there to great me when I got home, nice and warm and dry.

And do you know why there is no golf? Do you know why the dogs were idiots to go out and came home dripping wet?

Because we have had days of grey-cloudy-rain-turning-to-wet-sloppy- spring-snow-weather. Right now it is coming down at a rate of an inch an hour. Not supposed to stop until noon tomorrow. 24 inches.

The other thing we have had days of is crabbiness. Serious crabbiness. No one is happy. Except Brassie, and she’s a puppy. They don’t know any better. And when you are crabby, having something around that is permanently happy just makes you more crabby. Tempers are short. Household members are spreading out, one to a room. This helps cut down on the sniping at each other. ‘Cuz quite frankly we’ve had enough of this weather enforced togetherness. Hershey sleeps and sighs a lot. Cold wet weather is hard on old hips. She is not happy. Jigger is snapping at Brassie, who was his new best friend until the rain started. And Nibby is swiping, claws out, at any thing, person or animal, who passes with in reach. MAJOR crabbiness people.

And I KNOW we live in the Wild West, and I KNOW April is our snowiest month, and I KNOW this happens every year. But if you mention any of that I will tell you to just shut up already and leave me to marinate in my crabbiness.

And do you know what else? We have a garage. Which has a spot for the still-almost-brand-new-car. So I do not have to scrape the snow off before I go to work in the morning. And do you know what is in that spot at the moment? Boxes containing new patio furniture. Which was delivered the day before the current crappy weather started. Which means the still-almost-brand-new-car can not be parked in the garage. Which means this morning I had to scrape snow off the still-almost-brand-new-car because it’s spot in the garage is taken up by patio furniture THAT I CAN’T EVEN USE BECAUSE OF THE STUPID WEATHER.

Major, serious,  crabbiness.

However the fridge is stocked with Guinness and Strong Bow. So at least there’s that.  

Inferior Species

So remember back here, where I discussed the status of golf balls around here? Well at Christmas a new species of ball made it’s way to The Household. The MIL got the Offspring something to practice putting with in the back yard. It came with two plastic bags of 12 whiffle golf balls. And it’s been winter here in The Wild West so of course we haven’t set up the practice-putting thing so the plastic bags have just been sitting around.

As it turns out whiffle balls are just as accomplished escape artists as regular golf balls. They were in sealed plastic bags. Sitting on an antique rocking chair in the living room, which is not really used. And yet they still managed to get out.

At which point it became obvious that, as golf balls go, they are an inferior species. They’re too light. They don’t roll nicely out of your way when you accidentally step on them. You actually do step on them. And it does not turn out well for the whiffle balls. When you do manage to see them and kick them out of the way, they really move. Bouncing all over.  And they have those holes in them that are very convenient for cat claws. All Nibby can really do with a regular golf ball is roll it around. But those whiffle balls. He loves those whiffle balls. He can toss them all over the place. Between the bouncing and the tossing they end up in a lot of places that aren’t good for whiffle balls. Shut up in closets. On Hershey’s bed where she rolls over on them, and gets mad and crushes them as she moves them out of the way. Stuck behind the washer and dryer. Outside in the back yard, buried in snow. And then they get cold and crack. Over all I would have to say they would have been much better off staying in the plastic bags. Which leads me to believe they aren’t as smart as regular golf balls either. And they have run into another little obstacle here that doesn’t bother the regular golf balls at all, but as it turns out, is quite deadly to whiffle balls. Which I won’t go into here. Jigger is going to cover it in a post soon.

Anyway. The point is. If you are planning on adding golf balls to your household I would definitely suggest sticking with the real thing.

Free Range Balls

Here at The Household we let golf balls roam free. Every now and then one of us will pick one up and put it in a container of some sort. But they always seem to get out again, so mostly we just ignore them. They don’t make messes, or eat things they shouldn’t and require late night trips to the emergency vet ( Jigger, are you reading this? ). They are big enough that you can’t actually step on them and they are easy enough to roll out of the way if you need to. Nibby knocks them around every now and then, mostly just to remind them he can I think. But for the most part they have the run of the house and we pretty much leave them alone.

Your average golf ball doesn’t seem to be very adventurous. The majority of them seem happy to just keep rolling around the house. But there are always a few that have a bit more curiosity than the others. They like to try new things. So they hang out in dance bags. Or make a break for it and take up residence under car seats ( the family has grown to 5 by the way ).

Two of them have tried out some new surroundings lately. One of them tried to make it outside by hiding in Offspring #2’s Ugg boot. Nice and warm and fuzzy in there I’m sure. Unfortunately there isn’t room for an entire foot in the boot with a golf ball in there, so it was discovered before it got very far.

The second one wanted a little more excitement and decided to go for a ride in the washing machine. I think it changed it’s mind about half way through and it started banging on the side to get out. But we were busy and didn’t pay much attention. I didn’t realize what the banging was until I pulled the clothes out and the golf ball was rolling around dizzily at the bottom of the washer. I pulled it out and dropped it on the floor and it rolled away. I don’t think it will try that again.

You just never know where the more adventurous ones will turn up. Maybe even at a golf course.

Fine Looking Family

Every year we have a family picture taken that goes out as our Christmas card. Yes, we are one of those families. Most years I am on top of things early enough and we wear coordinating outfits. No, not matching Christmas sweaters. We aren’t THAT bad. And we are a casual kind of family, so it never involves dresses or ties. But usually I try to have the guys in one color and the girls in another. Like for instance last year the guys wore blue button down shirts and us girls had pink sweaters, but we each wore a different style. And one year we all wore dark navy t-shirts and had a dark background, so you could really see the faces. And of course there was the ( now famous among friends and family ) one where we all wore argyle ( The Golfer actually wore plus fours ) and each one of us held a different golf club. Ok, maybe sometimes we are THAT bad. Anyway. The point is a certain amount of thought and planning usually goes into the picture. Not a lot, but a little.

This year things just got away from me. I made the appointment early enough to make sure we got the cards back in time. But I was just not on top of the wardrobe situation. So the day before the appointment there was a bit of a panic around what we were going to wear. It needed to be something where we looked somewhat coordinated. Which is easier said than done. 5 people with different tastes and styles.

But you’ll be happy to know the situation was easily resolved. If you are a golfing family ( and I think it has been clearly established we are ) and you play a lot, and quite a bit of that play is done on courses with dress codes, what are the two things you are guaranteed each family member has an abundance of?  Solid color golf shirts and khaki pants.

Not very original I know. But we manage to look damn good anyway ( if I do say so myself ).

Offspring #3 has suggested that next year we go with a James Bond theme. Guys in tuxes and girls in long dresses. Yeah. I’m all over that. Not.

When You Have A Spare Hour Or Two

The Golfer had a tee time at 10am on Friday. But he didn’t get to play. There was at least an inch of snow on the ground when we got up, and it was still snowing. You would think that would mean he had 5 extra hours to get things done. But if that’s what you think then you obviously don’t live with a Golfer. The way Golfers figure it, they planned their day NOT accomplishing anything during those 5 hours except birdies and pars, so if they don’t accomplish anything else they really aren’t any the worse off. Which means The Golfer watched some football, and some basketball, and got caught up on all his blogs, and just generally ‘chilled’.

If you happen to live in a part of the country where snow puts an end to your golf for awhile, perhaps you use this time more constructively than The Golfer, and spend it increasing your knowledge of the game through books, magazines and movies. Or perhaps you live with A Golfer and are interested in books and movies that will help you understand them better. There is a list of recommended books in the left hand side bar, that would be a good place to start. As for movies…… there have been a fair number of golf movies made over the years, but if you want to fit in with Golfers there are 3 you have to watch. I’m not saying you have to like them. I’m not even saying they are necessarily good movies. I’m just saying that every Golfer has seen them. More than once. And they Liked them. And they can quote them. And if you want to understand your Golfer you need to watch them and be able to recognize the references.

The link for each movie is the IMDb entry, which, down under ‘Fun Stuff’, contains a link to famous quotes from the movie. Read them. Memorize them. If you can slip any of them into casual conversation with your Golfer you will go a long ways towards cementing your position as best spouse/significant other ever, and there is no telling what may come your way on the next gift giving occasion.

In the #3 spot:  Happy Gilmore.  Adam Sandler plays a wanna be hockey player who really doesn’t have what it takes. His grandmother is evicted from her house for failing to pay her taxes. While loading up his grandmothers stuff the moving guys find some golf clubs and challenge Happy to drive the ball farther than they can. Which of course he does. At which point he decides that if he hustles a bit on golf courses ( and by hustles I mean bets guys he can hit farther than they can, not ‘works his butt off to become a great golfer’ ) he could make enough money to pay his grandmothers back taxes. Things move on from there in typical Adam Sandler style. I admit Adam Sandler is an acquired taste ( which is mostly acquired by teenagers and frat boys ) but remember I said you don’t have to like it, you just have to watch it.

In the #2 spot: Tin Cup.  Kevin Costner plays Roy McAvoy, a washed up pro who is the instructor at a driving range in a small West Texas town and is living out of an RV. He gets a pretty psychiatrist as a student, who, as it turns out, is the girl friend of his old college golf partner, who is now a PGA superstar. Roy, of course, falls for his new student and things move on from there, with Roy eventually competing in the U.S. Open against his former partner. It is a fairly predictable story, but it’s actually a pretty good movie. I’m not sure Golfers like it so much as totally identify with it. They can all relate to Roy, and are sure that, given half a chance and a beautiful woman for motivation, they could make it to the U.S. Open. And they all have dreams about teaching said beautiful woman how to swing a golf club. Dreams where the teaching method would get them fired from any golf course, and probably arrested. But they can dream.

And in the #1 spot, by a loooooooonnnnng way:  Caddy Shack. The story of Danny Noonan, Ty Webb, Judge Smails, Lacey Underall, and Bushwood Country Club. Not only do you have to watch this, you have to memorize it. EVERY LINE. Not just the famous quotes. EVERY SINGLE LINE. This movie is now a permanent part of golf culture and has wormed it’s way into the brain of every golfer out there, even me. If you can’t recognize the reference and use ‘Be the ball’, ‘So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice’, and ‘nuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh’ correctly, then you will never understand golf, or your Golfer.  They may not admit to ever having watched Caddy Shack, but believe me they have. Maybe in secret, when no one else was in the house, but they’ve watched it. They may not even have liked it, but they know that if they want to be welcome in the foursome, they had better know every line. Because the references will be made, and they better recognize them. And they will be required to make one or two of their own. If they go a whole round without saying “It’s In The Hole’ the other players will wonder about them.

As for what I personally think of these movies: I can handle Happy Gilmore if everyone else wants to watch it, but it will never be my choice. I like Tin Cup, but it’s one of those things you can only watch about once a year. As for Caddy Shack, well, I hope you won’t think any less of me, but I love it. And it gets watched a lot in The Household. Mostly because The Offspring request it ( yes it’s rated R, I never claimed to be any better mother than I am a golfer ), but I always watch.

So there you have it. 3 movies that will vastly increase your supply of golf quotes, if not your actual understanding of the game.

Nature Studies

So I was driving along in the new car-that-has-to-be-able-to-hold-4-golf-bags when I heard a familiar sound. So I looked in the back seat and sure enough, 3 golf balls were rolling around back there. 

And here’s the thing, the CTHTBATH4GB ( actually, technically it is the-sub-compact-SUV-that-can-hold-4-golf-bags ), has only been part of The Household for 5 weeks now. And even though holding-4-golf-bags was a top criteria for its purchase, as of yet it hasn’t actually HAD a golf bag in it.

So how did the golf balls get there?

Here is what I think. I think that some how two balls manage to sneak their way into a car. In The Household that wouldn’t be hard. Golf balls end up in all kinds of places around here. So anyway, the various balls rolling around here keep their eyes open and when a couple of them see their chance they sneak into the car. Then they make a little nest under the back seat and start breeding. After a few days you have a nice little family of 3 rolling around back there.

I’m going to test my theory. I’m going to leave those balls alone and see what happens. I bet in a couple of weeks there is a whole Ryders cup team worth of golf balls back there.

Then I’m going to look into the breeding habits of tees and ball markers under sofa cushions.